Recognizing the 17 Warning Signs of a Failing Marriage

Introduction

Have you ever found yourself wondering if your marriage is on the brink of falling apart? It’s important to recognize the warning signs of a disintegrating marriage before it’s too late. What are some common indicators that a marriage may be in trouble?

Marriage is like a garden. It takes constant care, attention, and nurturing to keep it blooming. But even with the best intentions, sometimes marriages can start to wilt and fade.

So, how do you know if your failing marriage is heading towards total destruction? Here are warning signs of a failing marriage to watch out for:

Watch the video for the condensed version of this article.

17 Warning Signs of a Failing Marriage

1. Lack of communication: Communication is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship. If you and your spouse are no longer talking to each other, or if your conversations are filled with criticism and negativity, it’s a sign that your failing marriage is really in trouble.

2. Constant criticism: No one likes to be criticized all the time. If your spouse is constantly putting you down or making you feel bad about yourself, it will eventually take a toll on your relationship.

3. Absence of intimacy: Intimacy isn’t just about sex. It’s about feeling close and connected to your partner. If you and your spouse are no longer affectionate or intimate, it could be a sign that your emotional bond is weakening.

4. Lack of trust: Trust is essential for any relationship. If you can’t trust your spouse, it will be difficult to feel secure and happy in the marriage.

5. Unresolved conflicts: Every couple has disagreements. But if you and your spouse are unable to resolve your conflicts in a healthy way, it will only lead to resentment and anger.

6. Contempt: Contempt is one of the most destructive emotions in a relationship. If you find yourself feeling contempt for your spouse, it’s a sign that your marriage is in serious danger. Contempt, in the context of a failing marriage, means a deep-seated feeling of disrespect, disgust, and superiority directed towards your partner. This manifests through sarcasm, belittling remarks, eye rolls, and a general lack of empathy for their feelings and needs. It is a highly destructive force that erodes trust, intimacy, and communication, ultimately leading to emotional disconnection and resentment.

7. Stonewalling: Stonewalling is a form of emotional withdrawal that can indicate a failing marriage and can be very damaging to a relationship. When one partner stonewalls, they shut down and refuse to communicate, leaving the other partner feeling frustrated and alone.

8. Parallel lives: in the context of a failing marriage, means that the spouses exist in a separate emotional space, living their lives independently and having minimal connection or interaction. They may share a household, raise children together, and maintain a facade of normalcy, but the intimacy and deep connection that once existed in their relationship has eroded.

This can manifest in a failing marriage in various ways, such as:

Minimal communication and shared activities. They may only speak about practical matters, avoiding deeper conversations or emotional intimacy.

Separate schedules and interests. They may spend most of their time pursuing their own hobbies and activities, with little overlap in their leisure time.
Lack of physical affection and intimacy. They may rarely hold hands, cuddle, or engage in spontaneous affection.
Emotional detachment and a sense of indifference. They may feel disconnected from each other’s feelings and experiences, unable to offer support or understanding.
Living as roommates rather than partners. They may share living quarters but lack the emotional connection and shared vision of a couple.

Parallel lives are often a symptom of a failing marriage. It signifies a lack of communication, emotional disconnect, and a breakdown in the foundation of their relationship. This behavior can be detrimental to the well-being of both partners and can negatively impact any children involved.

It’s important to note that parallel lives are not necessarily synonymous with divorce. With effort and commitment, couples can rebuild their emotional connection and rediscover the joy and intimacy that once existed in their relationship. However, it requires both partners to acknowledge the problem, be willing to communicate openly and honestly, and work together to address the root cause of their emotional distance.

9. Infidelity: Infidelity is a serious betrayal of trust that can be very difficult to overcome. If your spouse has cheated on you, it will take a lot of work to repair your relationship. Not much more I can say here. If there is cheating, the other partner has every right to exit the relationship. This doesn’t mean it’s not repairable – with a lot of counseling, if you want to do it right. If your spouse refuses therapy for the failing marriage due to cheating, then you will need to either leave or decide if this is something you can live with and move on from.

10. Financial problems: Money problems are one of the leading causes of a failing marriage and divorce. If you and your spouse are struggling financially, it can put a lot of stress on your relationship, not only creating tension and resentment between partners, but also potentially jeopardizing the future of the marriage.

Financial problems in the context of a failing marriage means a chronic and significant strain on the relationship due to disagreements or difficulties managing money. This can manifest in various ways, such as:

Disagreements on spending priorities: Couples may have vastly different views on spending and saving, leading to arguments and resentment. One partner may prioritize saving for long-term goals, while the other may prefer to spend more freely on immediate needs or wants.

Debt and financial instability: Accumulating debt or struggling to make ends meet can create significant stress and anxiety in the relationship. This can lead to feelings of insecurity, blame, and resentment, making it difficult to focus on other aspects of the failing marriage.

Lack of communication and transparency: Couples may avoid discussing finances altogether, leading to misunderstandings and mistrust. This can make it difficult to work together towards shared financial goals or make necessary adjustments during difficult times.

Unrealistic expectations: Partners may have unrealistic expectations about their income, expenses, or financial security. This can lead to disappointment, frustration, and conflict when reality doesn’t match their expectations.

Power imbalances: In some cases, one partner may have significantly more control over the finances than the other. This can create a power imbalance in the relationship, leading to feelings of resentment and helplessness.

Individual financial baggage: Past financial experiences, such as debt from previous relationships or different financial backgrounds, can create challenges in the current marriage. These experiences can influence spending habits, financial goals, and overall approach to money management.

Lack of financial planning: Couples who don’t have a clear financial plan or budget may struggle to manage their money effectively. This can lead to overspending, impulse purchases, and difficulty saving for the future.

In the context of a failing marriage, the stress of financial strain can:

• Distract from nurturing other aspects of the relationship: When finances are a constant source of worry, couples may find it difficult to prioritize quality time, communication, and emotional intimacy.
• Exacerbate existing problems: Financial problems can act as a magnifying glass on existing issues within the failing marriage, bringing to the surface underlying conflicts and unresolved tensions.
• Lead to unhealthy coping mechanisms: Partners may resort to unhealthy coping mechanisms to deal with the stress of financial problems, such as substance abuse, emotional withdrawal, or infidelity.
• Impact mental and physical health: The chronic stress of financial difficulties can take a toll on both partners’ physical and mental health, leading to anxiety, depression, and other health issues.
• Reduce opportunities for shared goals and experiences: Financial limitations may restrict the couple’s ability to pursue shared goals and experiences, such as traveling, buying a home, or starting a family, which can further disconnect them emotionally.

However, it’s important to remember that financial problems don’t have to spell doom for a failing marriage. While financial problems can be a major contributor to marital stress, conflict and a failing marriage, addressing these challenges requires open and honest communication, willingness to compromise, and seeking professional help if needed. Financial advisors and couples therapists can provide valuable guidance and support in managing finances and navigating related challenges in the marriage.

11. Addiction: Addiction is a disease that can affect any relationship. If your spouse is struggling with addiction, it’s important to seek professional help. Like cheating, the other partner has every right to leave this relationship. If the addict refuses help – save yourself and leave. It is very rare that one can clean up on their own without professional intervention – not saying it isn’t possible, just uncommon. There is always that rare outlier, but to be honest, I wouldn’t bet money on it happening solo.

12. Abuse: Abuse, whether physical, emotional, or verbal, is never acceptable. If you are being abused by your spouse, it’s important to get help immediately. No brainer, but easier said than done, I know.

13. Lack of respect: Respect is essential for any healthy relationship. If you and your spouse no longer respect each other, it will be difficult to maintain a strong bond.

Lack of respect in the context of a failing marriage means a fundamental erosion of trust and consideration between partners. This absence of respect can manifest in various ways, such as:

Insults and belittlement: Partners may engage in verbal attacks, using sarcasm, hurtful language, and put-downs to undermine each other.

Ignoring or dismissing opinions: One partner may disregard the other’s feelings, thoughts, and concerns, making them feel insignificant and unheard.

Making unilateral decisions: Important decisions may be made without consulting the other partner, showing a lack of consideration for their input and desires.

Breaking promises and agreements: Failure to keep promises and uphold agreements betrays trust and creates a sense of unreliability and insecurity.

Neglecting basic needs and responsibilities: Partners may neglect their responsibilities towards each other and the household, demonstrating a lack of commitment and care.

Disregarding boundaries: Failing to respect personal boundaries can manifest as excessive jealousy, possessiveness, or controlling behavior.

Lack of appreciation and gratitude: Couples may take each other for granted, failing to express appreciation for each other’s contributions and efforts.

The consequences of a lack of respect in a failing marriage can be severe:

Erosion of trust and intimacy: Without respect, it becomes difficult to develop trust and emotional intimacy, leading to feelings of isolation and loneliness.

Increased conflict and resentment: Disrespectful behavior can fuel conflict and resentment, creating a hostile and emotionally charged environment.

Diminished self-esteem: Constant criticism and belittlement can damage self-esteem and lead to feelings of insecurity and worthlessness.

Breakdown of communication: Disrespectful communication patterns can create a barrier to effective communication, making it difficult to resolve conflicts and reach common ground.

Ultimately, lack of respect can lead to the breakdown of the already failing marriage.
Rebuilding respect in a marriage requires effort and commitment from both partners. Here are some steps couples can take:

Practice active listening: Listen attentively to your partner, without interrupting or judging. Show that you genuinely care about their thoughts and feelings.
Communicate openly and honestly: Express your needs and concerns in a respectful and constructive manner. Be willing to listen to your partner’s perspective without defensiveness.
Offer validation and appreciation: Acknowledge your partner’s contributions and efforts, and express gratitude for their presence in your life.
Maintain personal boundaries: Respect each other’s individuality and need for space. Avoid being controlling or possessive.
Seek professional help: If you are struggling to rebuild respect in your failing marriage, consider seeking guidance from a couples therapist.

Remember, respect is a cornerstone of any healthy relationship. By actively demonstrating respect for your partner, you can create a foundation for trust, intimacy, and a fulfilling marriage.

14. Different values: If you and your spouse have very different values, it can be difficult to find common ground and build a life together.

Different values in the context of a failing marriage means a fundamental clash in the core beliefs and principles that guide a couple’s lives. These differences can encompass various aspects, such as:

Morality and ethics: Couples may have differing views on what constitutes right and wrong, leading to disagreements about how to raise children, handle finances, or interact with others.

Religion and spirituality: Differences in religious beliefs or spiritual practices can create tension and conflict, especially if one partner feels strongly about their faith while the other does not.

Family and social values: Partners may have different expectations regarding family roles, gender equality, or social norms, causing friction and disagreement.

Life goals and priorities: Disagreements about personal goals, career aspirations, or desired lifestyle can lead to frustration and resentment if one partner feels their dreams are not being supported or prioritized.

Political and ideological beliefs: Differences in political views or ideological stances can create conflict, especially if couples feel strongly about their beliefs and lack agreement on major issues.

Leisure and recreational preferences: While some couples enjoy shared hobbies and activities, others may have vastly different interests, leading to feelings of disconnect and a lack of shared experiences.

When couples have significantly different values, it can present significant challenges to their relationship. These challenges can manifest in several ways:

• Difficulty making decisions: Reaching consensus on major and minor decisions can be difficult due to conflicting values and priorities.
• Constant conflict and disagreements: Differences in values can fuel frequent arguments and disagreements, creating a tense and emotionally charged environment.
• Lack of shared vision for the future: Couples may struggle to envision a shared future together if their values are fundamentally incompatible.
• Feeling misunderstood and unsupported: Partners may feel misunderstood and unsupported if their values are not respected or acknowledged.
• Resentment and emotional distance: Over time, unresolved value differences can lead to resentment, emotional distance, and a feeling of growing apart.

While different values can create challenges in a failing marriage, they don’t necessarily have to lead to its demise. Here are some ways couples can navigate value differences effectively:

• Practice open and honest communication: Discuss your values openly and honestly, without judgment or criticism. Try to understand each other’s perspective and listen with empathy.
• Focus on common ground: Despite their differences, most couples will share some core values. Identifying these common areas can provide a foundation for building a strong relationship.
• Compromise and find common solutions: Be willing to compromise and find solutions that respect both partners’ values, even if they are not ideal for either one.
• Respect each other’s individuality: While working towards shared goals, also respect each other’s individuality and differences in values. Celebrate your unique perspectives and allow space for individual growth.
• Seek professional help: If couples struggle to navigate their value differences independently, consider seeking guidance from a therapist specializing in couples therapy.

Remember, navigating different values requires continuous effort, open communication, and a willingness to compromise. By working together and focusing on building a relationship based on mutual respect and understanding, couples can learn to overcome challenges and build a strong and fulfilling marriage even in the face of value differences.

15. Unrealistic expectations: Having unrealistic expectations for your marriage can lead to disappointment and frustration. It’s critical to be realistic about what you can expect from your spouse and from your relationship.

16. Growing apart: People change over time. Sometimes, couples simply grow apart and no longer have the same needs and desires. Like the Dave Mason song says “There ain’t no good guys, there ain’t no bad guys, there’s only you and me, and we just disagree.” It happens to the best of couples. Don’t beat yourself up if it’s too late to get the spark back from a failing marriage. Sometimes, relationships just run their course.

17. Feeling hopeless: If you have lost hope for your failing marriage, it may be time to consider ending the relationship. I hate to admit it, but at the time of this writing, and really beyond that, I am at this stage in my relationship and have been for several years now. If you don’t feel hopeless, then there is still hope.

4 Stages of a Failing Marriage Breakdown:

While every marriage is unique, there are often some common stages that a failing marriage goes through before it ends. These stages include:

1. Disillusionment: This is the stage where couples begin to realize that their marriage is not what they expected. They may start to see each other’s flaws and may become disillusioned with the relationship.

2. Conflict: As couples become disillusioned, they may start to argue and fight more frequently. This is a natural stage of the breakdown process, as couples try to work out their issues.

3. Withdrawal: If the conflict is not resolved, couples may start to withdraw from each other. They may stop talking to each other, spending time together, or being intimate.

4. Acceptance: Eventually, couples may reach a point of acceptance. They may accept that their failing marriage is over and may start to plan for their separation or divorce.

Beyond the Warning Signs: What to Do Next

If you’ve identified several warning signs in your own failing marriage, it’s natural to feel overwhelmed and unsure of what to do next. Here are a few steps you can take:

1. Acknowledge the Problem: The first step is to acknowledge that your failing marriage is struggling. This may be difficult, but it’s essential to be honest with yourself and your partner.

2. Communicate Honestly: Talk to your partner about your concerns. Be open and honest about how you’re feeling and what you need from the relationship.

3. Seek Professional Help: If you’re struggling to communicate or resolve your issues on your own, consider seeking professional help from a therapist or counselor. A therapist can provide a safe space for you and your partner to talk about your problems and develop healthy coping mechanisms.

4. Consider Your Options: Depending on the severity of your problems, you may need to consider different options for your relationship. This could include couples therapy, separation, or even divorce.

5. Take Care of Yourself: During this difficult time, it’s important to take care of your own physical and emotional well-being. Make time for activities you enjoy, spend time with supportive friends and family, and don’t be afraid to ask for help.

Remember: You’re not alone in this. Many couples experience challenges in their marriages. With effort, communication, and professional support, you and your spouse can overcome these challenges and build a stronger, more fulfilling relationship. A failing marriage doesn’t have to stay stuck there forever!

Resources for Married Couples:

• The Gottman Institute: https://www.gottman.com/
• The American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy: https://www.aamft.org/
• The National Healthy Marriage Resource Center: http://www.healthymarriageinfo.org/

Additionally, here are some articles and resources that you might find helpful:

• How to Save Your Marriage: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/lifetime-connections/202301/10-practices-to-keep-your-marriage-strong
• The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work: https://www.flourishpsychology.ca/post/gottmans-principles-of-making-marriage-work
• How to Deal with a Difficult Spouse: https://www.couplestherapyinc.com/3-powerful-ideas-an-unfixable-relationship/

Remember, there is hope for your marriage. With the right support and resources, you and your spouse can build a happy and fulfilling life together.