7 Glaring Signs He’s Committed to Misunderstanding You for Control

I swear, it feels like one of us is speaking Greek to each other. Constantly.

Misunderstandings on a near daily basis are common in my relationship. Many times it leads to fights, and hurt feelings. He has a habit of answering questions that were never asked, because that is how he heard it. I have no idea why his inner filter does this, but I wish it would stop.

I couldn’t figure out how he “hears” things that were never said.

I blamed myself.

One thing that never crossed my mind is how this can be a form of manipulation, and is absolutely intentional. I’ve never viewed him as being super manipulative, although that has surfaced at times, as well.

Controlling, yes – but being manipulative is something that I don’t feel comes naturally for him. I think the reason he seems committed to misunderstanding me comes from a desire for control….and maybe a bit of cognitive bias.

I see it as a form of crazy-making, as well as coercive control, which is a way to keep you off balance, and constantly questioning yourself. I also believe this is a by-product of toxic masculinity, since disrespect, being emotionally immature, and dismissiveness tends to go with the territory on this topic.

What His Commitment to Misunderstanding You Could Mean

When it feels like your husband is committed to constant misunderstanding you, it can be frustrating and emotionally exhausting. This situation might point to deeper issues in communication, emotional dynamics, or even underlying relationship tensions.

Here’s what it could mean:

Emotional Defensiveness: Sometimes, people misinterpret or refuse to understand their partner because they are emotionally defensive. They might feel criticized or attacked and, instead of addressing the root issue, they deflect or misconstrue your words to protect themselves.

Unresolved Resentment: If your husband holds unresolved frustration or resentment, it can affect his ability to listen and empathize. He may subconsciously twist your words or intentionally avoid understanding so he won’t have to confront his own feelings.

Power Struggles: Constant misunderstanding can be a subtle way of controlling the conversation or situation. By refusing to understand you, he might be exerting control over the dynamic, ensuring that his perspective remains dominant.

Different Communication Styles: If you both communicate in fundamentally different ways, it can feel like intentional constant misunderstanding. Some people process emotions, information, or conflict differently, leading to confusion and frustration.

Emotional Disconnection: A lack of emotional intimacy or connection can cause your husband to stop making the effort to understand your perspective. It may signal a deeper distance in the relationship where he no longer feels motivated to meet you where you are emotionally.

Lack of Empathy: In some cases, a partner who continually misunderstands may lack the emotional empathy needed to truly listen and engage with your feelings. This could stem from emotional burnout, personal issues, or even traits like narcissism, where they prioritize their emotions over yours.

Avoidance of Deeper Issues: Constant misunderstanding might be a way for your husband to avoid addressing bigger issues in the marriage. By focusing on the misunderstanding itself, he can sidestep difficult conversations about your relationship’s state or deeper emotional problems.

Stress and Life Changes: When life gets overwhelming, stress can significantly impact communication and lead to empathic ruptures. If your husband is dealing with work pressures, family issues, or other significant changes, his mind might be preoccupied, making it harder for him to engage with your feelings or words. This distraction can lead to misinterpretations of your intentions.

Fear of Vulnerability: Opening up emotionally can be daunting. If your husband fears vulnerability, he may misinterpret your words as threats to his emotional safety. This defense mechanism could cause him to respond defensively or misinterpret your feelings, avoiding the deeper issues you both need to address.

Cognitive Bias: Everyone has cognitive biases that shape how they perceive information. If your husband has preconceived notions about your communication style or the topics you discuss, he might unconsciously filter your words through this lens. This bias can distort his understanding, making him more likely to misunderstand your messages.

Poor Listening Skills: Effective communication requires active listening, but not everyone possesses this skill. If your husband struggles with listening attentively, he may miss crucial details or context, leading to misunderstandings. This issue might stem from a lack of practice or a tendency to focus on his own thoughts rather than fully engaging with what you’re saying.

Understanding why this is happening can guide your next steps, whether that’s focusing on improving communication, seeking counseling, or having an open and honest conversation about what both of you need in the relationship.

Why His Being Committed to Misunderstanding You is Manipulative and Controlling

When a partner consistently misunderstands or distorts communication, it can take on manipulative or controlling dynamics. Here’s how:

1. Deflection of Responsibility:

If your husband misinterprets your words, he might avoid taking responsibility for his actions or feelings. By twisting your message, he shifts the focus away from his shortcomings, making it seem like the problem lies with your communication instead of his behavior.

2. Creating Confusion:

Constant misunderstanding can lead to confusion and self-doubt. This tactic can leave you questioning your thoughts and feelings, making you less confident in expressing yourself. Over time, this confusion can create an imbalance of power, as you might start to second-guess your perceptions and rely more on his interpretations.

3. Emotional Manipulation:

Incessant, constant misunderstanding can serve as a form of emotional manipulation. By framing your concerns or feelings in a way that makes you seem unreasonable or overly sensitive, he can diminish your emotional validity. This tactic can leave you feeling isolated and invalidated, effectively controlling the emotional narrative of the relationship.

4. Gaslighting:

If his misunderstandings persist and are accompanied by denial of your experiences, it may amount to gaslighting. This form of psychological manipulation causes you to doubt your reality and feelings, as he insists that your perceptions are incorrect. Over time, this can erode your self-esteem and sense of self.

5. Withholding Intimacy:

By choosing to misunderstand you, your husband may create emotional distance, making it harder for you to connect. This control tactic can keep you from sharing your thoughts and feelings, resulting in a cycle where you feel less safe or less willing to open up, ultimately reinforcing his emotional dominance.

By choosing to misunderstand you, your husband may create emotional distance, making it harder for you to connect.:

When misunderstandings become a regular occurrence, it can serve as a power play. By controlling the narrative, he asserts dominance over discussions and decisions, limiting your ability to voice concerns or influence the relationship’s direction.

6. Power Play:

When misunderstandings become a regular occurrence, it can serve as a power play. By controlling the narrative, he asserts dominance over discussions and decisions, limiting your ability to voice concerns or influence the relationship’s direction.

7. Fear of Confrontation:

If he misinterprets your statements to avoid confrontation, it can create an environment where serious issues remain unaddressed. This avoidance not only stifles your ability to communicate openly but also places him in a position where he can dictate which topics are discussed and which are ignored.

Recognizing these manipulative patterns can empower you to address the underlying issues more effectively and seek healthier communication strategies in your relationship.

Overcoming His Commitment to Misunderstanding

Dealing with a partner’s commitment to misunderstanding can be challenging, but you can take proactive steps to improve communication and cultivate a healthier relationship. Here’s how to address this issue effectively:

Establish Clear Communication: Make a conscious effort to express your thoughts and feelings clearly. Use “I” statements to convey your emotions without sounding accusatory. For example, instead of saying, “You never listen,” try, “I feel unheard when my concerns aren’t acknowledged.” This approach minimizes defensiveness and encourages understanding.

Encourage Open Dialogue: Create an environment where both of you can discuss feelings openly. Encourage him to share his perspective, and ask clarifying questions when misunderstandings arise. This practice helps combat his commitment to misunderstanding by promoting active listening and empathy.

Set Boundaries: If his commitment to misunderstanding leads to emotional manipulation, it’s crucial to set boundaries. Clearly communicate what behaviors you find unacceptable and explain how they affect you. This assertiveness can deter manipulative patterns and encourage more respectful interactions.

Seek Common Ground: Find shared goals in your relationship. By focusing on common interests and desires, you can shift the focus away from misunderstandings. This commitment to mutual understanding can help bridge gaps in communication and foster connection.

Utilize Reflective Listening: Encourage reflective listening by summarizing what he says before responding. This technique not only shows that you’re engaged but also allows you to clarify any misunderstandings on the spot, reducing the chances of his commitment to misunderstanding continuing.

Address Underlying Issues: Sometimes, misunderstandings stem from unresolved emotional issues. If possible, address any underlying problems together. This commitment to facing deeper issues can strengthen your bond and reduce the likelihood of future misunderstandings.

Consider Professional Help: If his commitment to misunderstanding persists despite your efforts, consider seeking couples therapy. A professional can provide tools and strategies tailored to your situation, helping both of you navigate communication barriers more effectively.

By taking these steps, you can work toward overcoming his commitment to misunderstanding and build a healthier, more communicative relationship.