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Introduction:
Marriage is a journey filled with ups and downs, but when anger in marriage becomes a persistent and unaddressed issue, it can pose a significant threat to the foundation of the relationship. Anger, if left unchecked, can fester and grow, leading to destructive consequences for both partners.
Take it from me – I know. I’ve lived with it for 3 decades.
If you are the one on the receiving end of your husband’s anger and irritation, my heart goes out to you. I have been married to someone like this for nearly 30 years now, and I can honestly say – it’s been a major bone of contention between us throughout our entire relationship. I know of the seething resentment and embarrassment you may have had to endure due to your husband’s weakness and lack of emotional control.
It can drain your soul. I’ve had to fill my cup many times after one of his out-of-left-field explosions. He could literally walk outside for 30 seconds and come back in slamming and banging over something that made him mad. It would send me reeling in amazement at his overreaction to some pretty trivial things.
It has caused me hurt and resentment like I can’t believe at times. There were times when I cried out for peace. I’ve run through all the emotions of sadness, hopelessness and blaming myself for years. There were times I was angrily “put in my place” out in public. A restaurant once, and even aboard a plane another time, for asking the wrong questions or asking too many – I don’t know. I don’t beat myself up thinking about it much anymore these days.
His “shock and awe” approach doesn’t work with me anymore. I rarely have two fucks to give due to all the resentment I have because of it. It’s no way to live, and I will leave when I’m ready…don’t end up like me!
As a result, I have “quiet quit” our marriage as a protection measure for myself. I realized I no longer feel emotionally safe with this person, and my body was telling me to go into survival mode after walking on eggshells for so long. My husband doesn’t seem to notice. Since I work to avoid any conflict when possible, he probably feels like everything is fine. Codependent much?
Mean, then nice, mean then nice, and on it goes… After having the rug pulled out from under you so many times, over such a long period of time, you get used to it -kinda- especially if you are not able to leave right now. The body is a marvelous truth teller, and the more trips I make around the sun, the more I am able to really listen to what it’s telling me. Call it a new-found superpower. More on that later.
Please DON’T let yourself end up like me. I’ve made my share of mistakes and I am here to help others learn from it so they don’t do the same as I did. It might be too late for my marriage, but that doesn’t mean it is for yours.
How Angry Husbands Bring Their Wives Shame
To be honest, it’s humiliating to have this man, that purports to love you, who can have the balls to act like this towards the woman he married and the mother of his children. The woman may ask herself questions like “Did I deserve that? Why is he like this? Would he act like this to his boss? (uh, NO he wouldn’t because there would be immediate consequences to pay!) How could I have married someone with such a severe personality disorder???”
Realizing it is a personality disorder was a turning point for me. In the early days of our relationship, I knew there was something “off” about him, but could not put my finger on why until I stopped blaming myself for his actions. We are NOT responsible for someone else’s emotions and lack of control.
All of these questions and more have run through my mind countless times throughout our marriage. I used to blame myself. When I was younger, blaming myself for everything that went wrong was a common occurrence. Still is with some things – but not like it used to be. When I REALLY started thinking about the big picture – I realized his anger issues likely stem back to his childhood. He grew up with a controlling mother that had a very sharp tongue. She fought like crazy with his dad while my husband was growing in his most formative teenage years – I’m talking throwing dishes flying across the house kind of fighting.
My husband was the youngest of three with an older brother and sister. When the arguing would start with his parents, the older brother would just roll on outta there, and his sister would just go to her room and cry. My husband admitted one time that his first reaction was to fight back. Since that was not possible, he spent as little time as possible at home during that tumultuous time. He had to protect himself somehow.
On the flip side of the shame we feel – there is the covering up – trying to shield the kids from his wrath as well as making sure things were perfect as possible when he got home, so at least he couldn’t be mad about that. I was constantly scrambling, trying to stay one step ahead of his fury just to keep the peace.
Peace is a rare commodity when you are married to someone like this. Even during the peaceful times, you know in the back of your mind, it’s only temporary, like most things in life. You may start telling yourself it will happen again, and when it does, it won’t hurt as much because you were ready for it.
If we are to speak of peace – if anything, your husband and marriage should be a soft place to fall when the world outside is anything but peaceful.
I stopped looking to him for my inner peace years ago when I started noticing patterns. Even though things may have been going along just great, it would never last. As soon as I let my guard down enough to stop the eggshell walk, he’d blow up, starting the whole crappy process over again. So, as a protection measure, I started expecting it instead of letting it destroy me each and every time. I have to protect myself somehow.
15 warning signs that your husband’s unaddressed anger is silently corroding the fabric of your marriage.
- Constant Criticism:
One of the early signs of unaddressed anger in marriage is a tendency to criticize everything. If your husband consistently finds fault in your actions, appearance, or decisions, it may be a manifestation of deeper-seated wrath. - Avoidance of Communication:
When anger in marriage goes unaddressed, communication often becomes strained. If your husband avoids discussing important matters or becomes defensive when approached, it could indicate unresolved issues. - Frequent Outbursts:
Uncontrolled outbursts, even over seemingly minor issues, can be a clear warning sign. Explosive reactions are a red flag that deeper issues may be simmering beneath the surface. - Silent Treatment:
Silence can speak volumes. If your husband regularly resorts to the silent treatment instead of engaging in open dialogue, it may signal unaddressed resentment. - Physical Intimidation:
Any form of physical intimidation, even if it doesn’t escalate to violence, is a serious warning sign. This includes aggressive gestures, smashing objects, or slamming doors during moments of wrath - Blaming Others:
Individuals struggling with unresolved anger often deflect blame onto others. If your husband consistently avoids taking responsibility for his actions and points fingers elsewhere, it may be indicative of deep-seated anger. - Escapist Behavior:
Escapist behavior, such as excessive working, substance abuse, or spending long hours away from home, can be a way for individuals to cope with unaddressed issues. Take note if your husband engages in such behaviors. - Lack of Empathy:
Irritability can create a barrier to empathy. If your husband seems indifferent to your feelings or struggles to understand your perspective, it may be a sign that his ire is clouding his emotional awareness. - Constant Irritability:
A perpetually irritable demeanor can be a subtle sign of ongoing anger. If your husband is easily irritated by trivial matters, it may be an indication that his rage is bubbling beneath the surface. - Control Issues:
Unaddressed rage can manifest as a need for control. If your husband exhibits controlling behaviors, such as dictating your actions or isolating you from loved ones, it may be a result of unresolved issues. - Chronic Discontent:
A pervasive sense of discontentment, regardless of external circumstances, can indicate deeper emotional turmoil. If your husband is never satisfied or happy, it may be connected to unaddressed anger. - Loss of Intimacy:
Anger can erode emotional and physical intimacy in a marriage. If your husband withdraws emotionally or rejects physical closeness, it could be a symptom of unresolved anger. - Mood Swings:
Drastic and unpredictable mood swings can be a manifestation of unaddressed anger. If your husband’s emotions shift rapidly and without apparent cause, it may be linked to underlying anger issues. - Disinterest in Resolution:
A reluctance to seek solutions or attend couples therapy can be a sign that your husband is avoiding confronting his anger. A lack of interest in addressing the root causes can perpetuate the destructive cycle. - Escalation of Verbal or Emotional Abuse:
Unaddressed anger can escalate into verbal or emotional abuse. If your husband engages in name-calling, humiliation, or consistently undermines your self-worth, it is a critical warning sign that the anger is reaching a dangerous level.
The Root of Anger: Unraveling the Complex Emotion
Anger is a universal emotion, a natural response to perceived threats or injustices. Often, it stems from deeper emotions like fear, frustration, or hurt. Understanding the root cause of it is important for effective management.
It can be a learned behavior from childhood, influenced by family dynamics or societal norms. In some cases, unresolved trauma or stress triggers angry feelings as a defense mechanism.
Unhealthy Anger: Recognizing the Warning Signs
Unhealthy anger goes beyond momentary frustration. It’s characterized by intense, prolonged bouts of rage that disrupt daily life. Verbal or physical aggression, disproportionate reactions, and a constant state of irritation are red flags.
Having intense feelings of wanting to harm someone is a big sign your irritability issues are out of control. Get help!
Identifying these signs early is essential for preventing long-term damage to relationships.
The Body Language of Anger
Body language often reveals more than words, and anger is no exception. Clenched fists, a tense jaw, raised voice, and aggressive posture, puffed out chest, and wildly flailing arms (my spouse does the arm flailing, and it’s SO embarrassing to watch) are common indicators.
Can Anger be Inherited?
While genetics play a role in temperament, the inheritance of anger issues is not as straightforward. A combination of genetic predisposition and environmental factors contributes to the development of irritability problems. Family dynamics, childhood experiences, and learned behaviors significantly shape how individuals express and handle it.
Change is Achievable: Navigating the Journey to Anger Management
Dispelling the notion that individuals with anger issues are incapable of change is crucial. By fostering self-awareness, seeking therapy, and embracing a commitment to personal development, people can acquire healthier coping mechanisms. Behavioral therapy, counseling, and participation in anger management programs offer valuable tools and strategies to break the cycle of destructive reactions.
While the process is challenging, often people take this transformative journey when personally affected, such as facing the end of a relationship or court-ordered anger management due to legal implications resulting from their angry behavior.
Understanding the Link Between Mental Illness and Anger
Angry outbursts can be symptomatic of various mental health conditions like depression, anxiety, or PTSD. Identifying the underlying mental health issue is pivotal for tailored treatment. Addressing the root cause through therapy and, when necessary, medication can effectively alleviate the associated symptoms.
Navigating Irritable Male Syndrome (IMS)
Irritable Male Syndrome (IMS) is a term coined to elucidate mood swings, irritability, and rage linked to hormonal fluctuations. In men, declining testosterone levels often result in IMS. Understanding these hormonal influences is important for encouraging empathy, and providing effective support.
Dissociative Rage and Bipolar Disorder: Unraveling the Connections
Dissociative rage, a symptom associated with dissociative identity disorder, involves unpredictable and intense episodes of wrath. Bipolar disorder, characterized by extreme mood swings, can also lead to intense rage during manic phases. Proper diagnosis and treatment administered by mental health professionals are imperative for effectively managing these conditions.
Surviving Anger Issues in Marriage: A Collaborative Effort
The survival of a marriage amidst anger issues hinges on the commitment of both partners to change and grow. Seeking professional help, honing effective communication skills, and fostering empathy are indispensable steps. A marriage not only endures but also strengthens when both individuals actively engage in the healing process.
It is essential to acknowledge that most rage issues do not dissipate on their own. Continuous counseling and dedicated self-work significantly enhance the prospects of improving a relationship. If a spouse is unwilling to embark on this journey, contemplation of separation might become a necessary consideration.
Overcoming Resentment: Building a Foundation for Lasting Relationships
Halting the corrosive impact of resentment on a marriage necessitates honest communication, forgiveness, and the establishment of clear boundaries. Identifying and addressing the root causes of anger helps prevent the accumulation of resentment. Cultivating empathy and practicing active listening contribute to the development of a healthier, more resilient relationship.
As I come to a close with this article – I have to say this: Don’t be like me. My “coping mechanism” for being in a relationship with an angry person, as well as staying as long as I have, has affected my health severely.
Although I’d had the symptoms for several years before finally being diagnosed with Crohn’s disease, (an auto immune disorder of the digestive system,) after decades of walking on eggshells, marital stress, and grief for losing my dad suddenly in 2016 is when it all came to a head. I was bedridden for weeks, and in major pain, unable to eat and wondering what I might have done to deserve this.
I knew something had to change, so I did the only thing I could at the time- that was to change my outlook. I came to the realization that wrath is within the other person and many times it had little to do with me (bad day at work, etc). I was just a sounding board. I stopped internalizing HIS anger as my own. It’s still hard to deal with, and it sure makes me feel some pretty negative emotions, but do I let it destroy me or even ruin my day? Nope.
Recognizing these signs is the first step toward addressing the impact of rage issues in your relationship. Seeking professional help and creating open communication are crucial for rebuilding trust and creating a healthier relationship – as long as you feel there is hope.
Addressing these issues within oneself, or a partner, requires self-reflection, empathy, and a commitment to change. By unraveling the complexities of anger, acknowledging its roots, and seeking appropriate support, individuals can transform destructive patterns into constructive behaviors.
These changes are very difficult for the angry person because they’ve realized that when they pop off on someone else, it usually gets them the desired result – like shutting someone up, or getting the upper hand in a situation.
Anger is about control – and lack of it.
Before You Go…
I have a book suggestion that I cannot recommend highly enough. “Why Does He Do That? Inside the Mind of Angry and Controlling Men” by Lundy Bancroft. This book should be required reading in high school for all young women. It was such an eye opener to have some affirmation that this is something within them and no one deserves to be treated like this. Understanding the rationale behind the abuse, will be so eye opening and you will have the tools needed to either stay deal with him (as long as you feel safe-obviously not all abuse involves hitting) or to make the decision to leave.
It gave me the clarity I needed when I read it back in 2019. We were on a two week road trip across the U.S. and I read it on my iPad in the car while he drove. It was hard to even look at him during that trip. I was already upset by him taking my head off about a mix up on which way to turn to get back on the highway.
After reading the book, I admit I was triggered, but what I didn’t know at the time was that it was also a great awakening inside me. I knew his wrath was his problem to solve and that I was not (usually) the underlying reason for it. If your mind, heart and body are screaming inside for some much needed clarity, then you need to read this book.
Out of all the books I’ve read on relationships, this one is at the top of the list and I will be recommending it until my last breath. That is how good it is. Lundy Bancroft has been working with and counseling abusive men for decades and he’s seen and heard it all as these men, during group sessions, opened up and told him exactly what is going through their minds while being abusive towards women. I hope you find it as helpful as do!
Conclusion
Recognizing these warning signs is the first step toward addressing the destructive impact of unaddressed anger on your marriage. It is crucial to approach the situation with empathy and an open heart, encouraging your husband to seek professional help if needed. Ignoring these signs can lead to further damage, but with communication, understanding, and a commitment to change, couples can work together to rebuild and strengthen their marriage. Remember, seeking support from therapists, counselors, or support groups can provide valuable guidance on the journey to healing.
https://www.oprah.com/relationships/when-is-a-marriage-over
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