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Anger as control has been a running theme throughout my entire marriage, so it’s a topic I’ve had a lot of experience with. In fact, I’d say his anger ultimately ruined it.

My problem was fawning, and trying to keep the peace.

Once in a while, I’d stand up for myself.

When I did, it was explosive.

I’d lost myself, and had to make myself small to keep things running smoothly. The problem is, that I became codependant, which makes leaving after 30 years of marriage even harder – WAY harder. His anger to manipulate me became one of his most powerful, and effective tools.

Although I know deep down that this is toxic, my brain started to normalize it as a protection measure. When this happens, it can get very difficult to stop telling yourself “it’s not that bad.”

I’ve come to the conclusion that he won’t change despite him having to go to anger management classes previously. This is something deeply ingrained in him because it’s what he saw growing up. I doubt he even knows it’s an issue.

That is how he has learned to operate because it WORKS for him. His anger gets him what he wants.

Works like a charm!

One day, he exploded at me over something HE did. He had a bad day at work and didn’t want to hear it from me.

Something inside me died that day. I think it was my love for him.

I never felt the same towards him after that. Every year following I felt myself get further and further away from him, but he doesn’t have the emotional availability or awareness to notice.

While he has been better with his explosions in recent years, the damage has already been done. I don’t talk to him unless it’s necessary. I doubt we even spend and hour a day with each other.

It’s (usually) more peaceful for me this way. I’m at an age where I NEED peace in my life, and will do almost anything to keep it. He isn’t bothered by our lack of time spent together, and has no care in the world as long as things are going the way he wants. My unhappiness isn’t a priority, so he ignores it.

Key Highlights:

In this article, you’ll learn about:

• How anger becomes a shield to deflect vulnerability and avoid confronting deeper emotional issues.
• Anger as a manipulation tool to guilt, shame, or control your partner’s emotions and actions.
• Using anger for attention, ensuring the partner is forced to listen, even if it’s through negative means.
• Anger as a power tactic in toxic relationships, creating fear to control behavior and decisions.
• How anger tests boundaries, pushing limits to see how much the other person will tolerate.

Ways Men Use Anger as Control in Relationships

Men (or anyone, really) can use anger to manipulate different ways in relationships, but here are some common patterns and strategies that men (or partners with certain behavioral traits) might use to manipulate, control, or express anger in ways that can impact the relationship dynamic.

These methods can often be unspoken or subtle, and in some cases, they may be employed consciously or unconsciously:

1. Anger as a Shield or Defense Mechanism

• The Approach: Instead of confronting underlying vulnerability, fear, or insecurity, anger is used to deflect or cover up deeper feelings.
• How it Works: By getting angry, the person can avoid dealing with their own vulnerability, inadequacies, or emotions. They can maintain control by making everything about you or the situation instead of themselves.
• Example: If a partner is insecure about their job or appearance, they might snap or get irritated over a seemingly trivial thing, like the way a conversation goes, to avoid talking about their own fears or inadequacies.

2. Anger to Manipulate Emotions (Anger as Power)

• The Approach: Some people intentionally use anger to manipulate the emotional state of their partner. This can make their partner feel defensive, guilty, or responsible for the anger, while the angry person stays in control of the situation.
• How it Works: Anger can shift the focus of the conversation from their own behaviors to their partner’s reactions. The angry person may project guilt onto their partner by demanding an apology, or even twisting the conversation to make themselves the victim.
• Example: “If you didn’t do that, I wouldn’t be so angry. Now you’ve made me upset, and you’re the one who has to fix this.”

3. Using Anger to Get Attention or to Be Heard

• The Approach: Some people may raise their voice, get louder, or escalate a situation when they feel like they’re not being listened to or getting enough attention.
• How it Works: By getting angry, they force the other person to listen, or they at least get a response, even if it’s negative. It’s an attention-seeking tactic, even if it disrupts harmony.
• Example: If a partner feels neglected or ignored, they may start an argument or lash out to force the other person to focus on them and their needs.

4. Anger as Control

• The Approach: In abusive or toxic relationships, anger can be used as a tool for control. The angry outbursts can create fear or anxiety in the partner, which may then dictate their behavior, choices, and decisions.
• How it Works: The fear of retaliation or more anger can keep the other person from asserting themselves, making decisions, or acting independently. This leads to a power imbalance in the relationship.
• Example: If one partner regularly yells or explodes, it can cause the other partner to avoid certain topics, actions, or even words to avoid triggering anger.

5. Anger to “Win” or Be Right

• The Approach: In some relationships, anger is used to assert dominance or to “win” the conversation or argument, regardless of whether they’re actually right.
• How it Works: When faced with a disagreement, the person may escalate the situation with anger to overtake or undermine their partner’s viewpoint. The goal isn’t to reach a compromise, but to win the battle.
• Example: “You’re just being ridiculous! I know I’m right, and you can’t make me feel bad about it.” Anger here is about winning the argument at all costs.

6. Anger as a Distraction from Responsibility or Accountability

• The Approach: Sometimes, anger is used to avoid taking responsibility for mistakes, bad behavior, or misdeeds. Rather than facing their flaws or the consequences of their actions, the person redirects the conversation to how angry they are, causing others to focus on the emotional explosion rather than the issues at hand.
• How it Works: The emotional outburst creates a distraction and shifts the focus away from their failure or mistake, leaving the other person to clean up the mess emotionally.
• Example: “It’s not my fault! How could you say that to me? After everything I’ve done for you, you just throw it back in my face!” The anger distracts from their own actions and causes the other person to take on responsibility for the anger.

7. Anger to Avoid Intimacy or Vulnerability

• The Approach: Anger may surface when there is a need for emotional closeness or intimacy that the person is uncomfortable with. Instead of facing the vulnerability required in a relationship, they may get angry to shut down any deep emotional connection.
• How it Works: Rather than having to expose themselves emotionally or show a softer side, anger acts as a barrier to protect them from feeling vulnerable.
• Example: If a partner is expressing emotional needs, the angry person may respond, “I’m sick of your emotions. Can’t we just move on? Why do we always have to talk about feelings?” This creates a barrier to closeness.

8. Anger as a Way to Control the Pace or Direction of the Relationship

• The Approach: Anger can be used to alter the dynamic or pace of a relationship, slowing it down or speeding it up as the person desires.
• How it Works: Anger can pressure the other person to compromise or act quickly to resolve conflict, whether it’s about big decisions, setting boundaries, or making changes in the relationship.
• Example: “If you don’t agree with me, then maybe we shouldn’t even be together!” The anger acts as a push to get the partner to respond in a certain way.

9. Anger to Push Boundaries or Test Limits

• The Approach: Sometimes anger is used as a tool to test the other person’s limits or patience in the relationship. This can be a way of gauging how much the partner will tolerate or whether they’ll accept or react to the behavior.
• How it Works: By intentionally crossing boundaries with anger, a person may push their partner to see how far they can go before there are consequences.
• Example: “You’re always overreacting, but fine, I’ll just keep doing what I want.” This challenges the partner’s tolerance for disrespect.

How to Deal with Anger Used to Manipulate Your Relationship:

If you’re noticing these patterns in a relationship, here are a few ways to deal with it:

Establish Boundaries: Recognize when anger is being used to manipulate or control, and set clear emotional boundaries about what you’re willing to accept.

Stay Calm: Try not to engage in an emotional escalation. Respond to anger with calmness, and refuse to mirror the same intensity.

Seek Therapy/Counseling: Therapy, either individually or as a couple, can help uncover the root causes of anger and work on healthier emotional expression.

Protect Your Emotional Space: Don’t let someone else’s anger dictate your emotional state. Take space when needed and prioritize self-care.

Recognize When It’s Time to Walk Away: Sometimes, anger is a sign of deeper issues in a relationship, and it may be a signal to consider the future of the relationship if it’s unhealthy or abusive.

Wrapping Up

Recognizing anger as control in a relationship is crucial for protecting your emotional well-being. Whether it’s used to manipulate emotions, avoid accountability, or dominate the relationship dynamic, understanding these patterns can help you break free from toxic cycles.

Remember, no one should feel trapped or controlled by anger, and setting boundaries is key to maintaining a healthy relationship. If you notice these behaviors, it may be time to reassess the relationship or seek professional help to address the issue. Don’t let anger to manipulate dictate your emotional state—take control of your peace and happiness.

What’s Your Take?

How do you feel about anger being used in relationships? Have you noticed these patterns in your experiences?

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FAQs on Anger as Control in Relationships

1. What does “anger as control” mean in a relationship?
Anger as control refers to using anger to manipulate, dominate, or influence a partner’s actions and emotions to maintain power in the relationship.

2. How can anger be used to manipulate someone emotionally?
Anger to manipulate involves shifting blame, making the other person feel guilty, or making them responsible for the anger, which can twist the situation in favor of the angry person.

3. Is it normal for someone to use anger to control a relationship?
While anger is a natural emotion, using it as control is toxic. It manipulates emotions and creates fear, making the other person adjust their behavior to avoid anger.

4. How do you recognize anger as control in a relationship?
If your partner regularly uses anger to avoid responsibility or create fear, making you walk on eggshells, this is often a sign of anger as control.

5. Can anger be used to avoid intimacy?
Yes, some people use anger to deflect emotional closeness. They avoid vulnerability by getting angry instead of engaging in deeper conversations or showing emotional needs.

6. What are signs someone is using anger to manipulate you?
Look for patterns where your partner shifts focus to their anger rather than discussing issues or consistently makes you feel guilty for their emotional outbursts.

7. How can anger be used to test relationship boundaries?
When anger is used to push boundaries, a person may deliberately escalate situations to see how much their partner will tolerate before setting limits or walking away.

8. What should you do if your partner uses anger as control?
Setting boundaries, staying calm, and seeking therapy can help manage the situation. It’s important to protect your emotional space and address manipulative behaviors directly.

9. Can someone be unaware they’re using anger to manipulate?
Yes, often people are unaware that they use anger to manipulate. It may be ingrained from past experiences or learned behavior, making it hard to recognize as a problem.

10. How does anger create a power imbalance in relationships?
Anger as control creates fear, leading the other person to avoid certain topics or actions. This fear-driven dynamic gives one partner the upper hand and diminishes the other’s autonomy.

11. How can I stop reacting to my partner’s anger as a form of control?
Staying calm, not engaging in emotional escalation, and practicing self-care can help you stop being manipulated by anger. Recognizing these tactics can help you respond, not react.

12. Is it possible to change someone who uses anger as control?
Changing someone who uses anger to manipulate is challenging. They must acknowledge the issue and be willing to work on it, often through therapy or self-awareness.

13. Can anger be used to avoid accountability?
Yes, anger can deflect responsibility. By turning the focus to their emotional outbursts, a person avoids confronting their mistakes or taking accountability for their actions.

14. How do I protect myself from anger as control?
Recognize manipulative patterns, establish emotional boundaries, and prioritize your own well-being. Therapy or counseling can also help you understand how to navigate these dynamics safely.

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