Stonewalling vs Silent Treatment: 9 Big Differences to Know

Imagine this scenario:

You’re sitting across from your partner, the silence stretching between you like a thick, palpable wall. Earlier, they stonewalled you, completely shutting down during your argument.

Now, hours later, you’re facing the silent treatment. You try to speak, but they don’t respond, their gaze fixed on their plate. It feels like you’re invisible, and no matter what you say or do, the cold silence remains.

You’re stuck, unsure whether to push harder or walk away.

While both are mildly infuriating, they come from two totally different places.

Today, we’ll do a deep dive into the difference between stonewalling vs silent treatment, why it happens, and how to deal with both.

I’ve experienced both stonewalling and silent treatment, and it left me feeling so confused most of the time. Stonewalling can be frustrating, because it feels like you are being ignored.

Other times, the silent treatment was a welcome respite from the constant arguing, and I didn’t care if he did it, even though I was being “punished” in his mind. Remember Briar Rabbit, who lived in and loved the briar patch, from that currently banned Disney movie “Song of the South?” Oh pleeeze don’t throw me in that briar patch!

When you’ve been married for decades, you tend to let this stuff slide like water off a duck’s back. However, I can see if your partner did this all the time, how frustrating and hurtful it is – especially if you are in a newer relationship.

In either case, reacting this way to a disagreement does absolutely nothing for the relationship, but create hurt and ongoing resentment.

While these two actions are often used interchangeably, they are distinct behaviors with different motives, effects, and outcomes.

Key Takeaways

• Stonewalling often arises from emotional overwhelm and a need for space, while the silent treatment is a deliberate act of control or punishment.
• Both behaviors can deeply harm relationships, but their intentions and psychological effects differ.
• Strategies like clear communication, emotional regulation, and professional support can help resolve these conflicts.

Now, let’s break it down further!

What is Stonewalling in a Relationship?

Stonewalling occurs when one person in a relationship emotionally withdraws or shuts down in the middle of a conversation.

Rather than engaging in discussion, they refuse to respond or acknowledge their partner’s attempts at communication.

It is a form of avoidance, where the stonewaller completely disengages, leaving the other person feeling ignored, frustrated, or helpless.

This behavior often stems from the stonewaller feeling overwhelmed or unable to cope with the emotions being stirred up during a conversation.

Instead of addressing the issues head-on, they choose to block out any form of interaction, making it extremely difficult to resolve conflicts or move forward.

What is the Silent Treatment in Relationships?

The silent treatment is similar to stonewalling, but it typically involves a deliberate, extended period of ignoring someone. Unlike stonewalling, which happens in the heat of an argument, the silent treatment can be used as a long-term tactic.

When someone gives the silent treatment, they intentionally refuse to speak to their partner, even when there’s a need for communication or resolution.

This behavior is often used as a form of punishment or manipulation, where the person giving the silent treatment seeks to assert control over the relationship. It can make the other person feel insignificant or unworthy of attention, creating a power imbalance.

Stonewalling vs Silent Treatment: Examples

Stonewalling Example:

• During a heated argument, one partner suddenly stops responding, avoids eye contact, and walks away without explanation.

Silent Treatment Example:

• After a disagreement, one partner refuses to speak or acknowledge the other for several days, ignoring all attempts to reconcile.

Key Differences Between Stonewalling vs Silent Treatment

Stonewalling vs Silent Treatment: Key Differences

1. Intent:
Stonewalling arises as a response to emotional overwhelm. When a person feels flooded by emotions like stress or anxiety, they may shut down to protect themselves from further emotional distress.

In contrast, the silent treatment is a calculated act of punishment or control. Someone using the silent treatment deliberately withdraws communication to punish their partner for perceived wrongs or to manipulate the situation to their advantage.

2. Awareness:
Stonewalling can be an unconscious defense mechanism. In the heat of an emotional moment, a person may not even realize they’re withdrawing from the conversation.

On the other hand, the silent treatment is a premeditated choice. The person employing the silent treatment is usually fully aware of their actions and the emotional impact it will have on the other person. It is a purposeful effort to silence or punish the other person.

3. Emotional State:
Stonewalling is typically triggered by stress or anxiety. When emotions become too intense, the person may feel unable to continue engaging in the conversation and choose to distance themselves. This is often an unconscious attempt to self-soothe or avoid conflict.

In contrast, the silent treatment usually stems from anger or resentment. When someone feels wronged, they may use silence as a way to communicate their dissatisfaction, or to manipulate the situation.

4. Duration:
Stonewalling is generally short-term and situational. It usually occurs in moments of high emotional stress, and once the person has calmed down, communication can resume.

The silent treatment, however, can persist for an extended period—lasting for days, weeks, or even longer. This prolonged silence is part of the deliberate nature of the silent treatment, often used as a form of ongoing punishment or control.

5. Resolution:
Resolution in stonewalling occurs once emotions are regulated and the person feels emotionally safe enough to re-engage. It often requires a brief period of time to cool off before communication can resume.

The silent treatment is typically much harder to resolve. It requires the person giving the silent treatment to make a conscious decision to stop withholding communication, and the recipient often has to do something to earn back the interaction, which can create tension and emotional distance.

6. Communication Goals:
Stonewalling’s main goal is self-protection. The individual feels overwhelmed and withdraws to prevent saying something they might regret or to avoid further conflict. It’s a way of preserving emotional stability in the moment.

The silent treatment is used strategically to punish or manipulate. The person using it aims to make the other person feel guilty, uncertain, or desperate for attention, often to regain control over the relationship dynamics.

7. Impact:
Both stonewalling and the silent treatment can damage relationships, but the silent treatment tends to have a more severe and long-lasting effect.

The intentional nature of the silent treatment makes it feel more abusive because it is a purposeful act designed to emotionally harm the other person. It creates a sense of isolation, confusion, and emotional distress. Stonewalling, while hurtful, often feels less vindictive and more like a temporary emotional shutdown.

8. Triggers:
Stonewalling often occurs in the heat of the moment, when emotions are running high. It’s typically a reaction to feeling overwhelmed by the conversation or situation.

The silent treatment, on the other hand, tends to happen after a perceived offense, where one partner feels hurt, disrespected, or frustrated by the other’s actions. This form of silence is a response to something specific that has happened, and may be used as a method of exerting control or making the other person feel punished.

9. Psychological Effects:
The psychological impact of stonewalling often leaves the other person feeling ignored or dismissed. They may feel that their concerns are not being heard or that their partner is withdrawing emotionally.

While the silent treatment also leads to feelings of being ignored, it can go deeper. It makes the person on the receiving end feel devalued, powerless, and often unsure of their own worth in the relationship.

The prolonged nature of the silent treatment can make the person feel emotionally invalidated, and questioning the sincerity of the relationship.

Impact of Stonewalling vs the Silent Treatment on the Relationship

Both stonewalling and the silent treatment can damage your relationship, but in different ways. Stonewalling or silent treatment impacts how couples resolve conflicts.

When one partner stonewalls, it can stop a conversation in its tracks, preventing the relationship from moving forward.

In contrast, the silent treatment is a form of emotional manipulation, creating feelings of guilt, insecurity, and a lack of self-worth in the other person.

The long-term effects of stonewalling vs silent treatment are significant. Stonewalling may lead to unresolved issues and hinder emotional intimacy, while the silent treatment can create long-term emotional rifts, causing feelings of abandonment or rejection.

How to Address Stonewalling or Silent Treatment in Your Relationship

Now that we’ve explored the differences between stonewalling vs silent treatment, let’s look at how to deal with these behaviors in a relationship.

1. Acknowledge the Behavior

The first step is to recognize when stonewalling or silent treatment is happening. By identifying these behaviors, you can start addressing them and begin the healing process.

If stonewalling is happening, it’s important to give your partner some space to cool down, but also make it clear that you want to discuss the issue when they’re ready.

If the silent treatment is being used, it’s essential to express how it makes you feel, and to set boundaries around this form of emotional manipulation….And for goodness sakes – DON’T chase, or beg for their attention!

2. Communicate Openly

Effective communication is key to resolving stonewalling or silent treatment in any relationship. It’s important to create a safe space where both partners can express their feelings openly and honestly.

This means addressing any underlying emotional issues that may contribute to the need for withdrawal or silence.

3. Seek Therapy if Needed

If stonewalling or silent treatment are recurring behaviors in your relationship, seeking the help of a therapist can be beneficial. A relationship counselor can help couples work through these communication breakdowns and develop healthier ways to resolve conflicts.

4. Set Boundaries

Setting clear boundaries is critical when dealing with stonewalling vs silent treatment. It’s important to establish that emotional withdrawal or silence is not an acceptable way to handle conflict.

Discuss alternative methods for resolving issues, such as taking breaks, deep breathing, or having a calm discussion once both partners have had time to cool off.

Final Thoughts:

The difference between stonewalling vs silent treatment may seem subtle at first, but understanding these behaviors can help improve your relationship’s communication dynamic.

Both behaviors can create emotional distance and hinder conflict resolution, but with awareness, patience, and healthy communication, it’s possible to navigate these challenges.

Ultimately, whether you’re facing stonewalling or the silent treatment, the key to a thriving relationship is open dialogue, mutual respect, and a commitment to understanding each other’s emotional needs.

FAQ: Stonewalling vs Silent Treatment in Relationships

1. What’s the difference between stonewalling vs silent treatment?
Stonewalling vs silent treatment: Stonewalling is emotional withdrawal due to stress, while the silent treatment is a deliberate act used to punish or control someone.

2. Is stonewalling or silent treatment intentional?
In stonewalling vs silent treatment, stonewalling is often unconscious, a reaction to emotional overwhelm, while the silent treatment is a conscious decision to withhold communication and cause emotional harm.

3. How long does the silent treatment last compared to stonewalling or silent treatment?
In the stonewalling vs silent treatment comparison, stonewalling is usually short-term and resolves once emotions calm, while the silent treatment can last for days, weeks, or even longer.

4. Why does someone give the silent treatment in stonewalling vs silent treatment?
The silent treatment in stonewalling vs silent treatment is used to punish, control, or manipulate, while stonewalling is a response to emotional stress or overwhelm that shuts down communication.

5. Can stonewalling or silent treatment hurt a relationship?
Yes, both stonewalling or silent treatment can harm relationships, but the silent treatment is often more damaging due to its deliberate and punitive nature, leaving the other person feeling devalued.

6. How do stonewalling or silent treatment affect communication?
In stonewalling vs silent treatment, stonewalling temporarily halts communication due to emotional overwhelm, while the silent treatment intentionally stops communication to punish or manipulate the other person.

7. What triggers stonewalling vs silent treatment?
Stonewalling or silent treatment can be triggered differently. Stonewalling happens when someone feels emotionally overwhelmed. The silent treatment is triggered by anger, resentment, or perceived offense.

8. How does stonewalling vs silent treatment affect emotions?
In stonewalling vs silent treatment, stonewalling leaves partners feeling ignored or dismissed, while the silent treatment makes them feel devalued, powerless, and uncertain in the relationship.