Sexless Marriage: 10 Essential Questions to Ask Before Leaving

It’s not surprising that you landed here. It’s also not surprising that this article has been one of the most visited on this site.

Believe me. You aren’t alone.

Just a “heads up” – this article, like all of them here, is written from a woman’s viewpoint, based on my own thoughts and experiences.

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In This Article:

I discuss what my sexless marriage taught me, as well as it’s affects.

Emotional Safety: The lack of intimacy in a marriage is often a symptom of deeper emotional disconnection.

10 Key Questions to Ask Yourself: if you are thinking of leaving.

Open Communication and Reflection: Before deciding to leave a sexless marriage, it’s essential to have open conversations about the issue, understand its root causes, and reflect on your emotional needs and the impact on your well-being.

It’s Okay to Prioritize Yourself: Leaving a sexless marriage, while difficult, is not selfish.

What My Sexless Marriage Taught Me

I am in a sexless marriage, and come to think of it, if I am to go by the relationship “experts” my whole marriage has been considered “sexless,” although it produced two lovely kids, that we both adore without end.

Before having kids, our physical intimacy was infrequent, about once a month, largely due to our shared drinking habit.

In the spring of 2023, I decided to quit drinking, as I had stopped enjoying it years earlier, but kept it up for the sake of our connection.

He didn’t stop, and the gap between us only grew. Now, he drinks alone, without his “drinking buddy,” and the distance between us has deepened.

As I went through my forties, I mourned the things that have always been missing in our marriage – including intimacy. I mourned my marital resentment, the dismissive way he spoke to me, the covert manipulation, his hairtrigger temper, and the complete, and total lack of closeness.

He, being clueless to my unhappiness, despite our many discussions, seems happy as a clam about the status quo, which has always perplexed me.

“How can a guy actually be ok with this??”

My sexless marriage has taught me that it’s easier to not talk, and to stop trying to push for intimacy that just isn’t there. I had years of trying, crying, and cajoling him.

The sex, and lack of it, aren’t really the point. It’s about intimacy and feeling emotionally safe. I believe this is the biggest issue for women in a marriage that has become sexless – they don’t feel emotionally safe with their husbands.

For example, nearly every (rare) time we’d do it, he’d snap at me, pick a fight, or do some other hurtful thing the VERY NEXT DAY! I finally got tired of him pulling the rug out from under me, made the connection of me not feeling emotionally safe with him, and quit initiating.

I decided to stay indifferent to my relationship while I decided what to do about it.

He has many wonderful qualities, and I wouldn’t want to hurt him, but he has hurt me very much by his lack of interest in me physically. I’ve felt ugly, unwanted, asexual, and have wondered what was wrong with me.

Below are some questions I contemplated, as I decided whether or not to stay or go. Maybe you have asked yourself these same questions at some point in your relationship too.

Can a Marriage Survive Without Intimacy?

Intimacy is the cornerstone of a healthy and fulfilling marriage. While marriages can endure temporary periods of reduced intimacy due to external factors, a prolonged absence of physical and emotional closeness may strain the fabric of the relationship.

Successful survival without intimacy often requires open communication, mutual understanding, and a concerted effort from both partners to address underlying issues.

Intimacy, often viewed as the lifeblood of a marriage, encompasses more than physical closeness. It weaves through the emotional and psychological facets of a relationship, creating a tapestry that binds two individuals together.

Your partner may have other wonderful qualities that make it easier to stay and live without intimacy. Obviously, these things should be taken into consideration before leaving. However, if it’s missing the key points above, as sexless marriages usually do, it likely won’t survive.

10 Deep Questions to Ask Yourself Before Leaving a Sexless Marriage

Deciding whether to leave a sexless marriage is a deeply emotional and complex choice. Before you take such a life-changing step, it’s important to pause, reflect, and assess the situation. Use these ten essential questions to guide your decision-making process.

1. Have I Clearly Communicated That This Marriage Feels Sexless to Me?

Many people assume their partner understands the impact of the lack of intimacy, but this isn’t always the case. Ask yourself if you’ve had a candid, heartfelt conversation about how the sexless dynamic makes you feel.

Avoid vague comments or subtle hints. Instead, openly express how the absence of physical connection is affecting your emotional well-being and the relationship as a whole.

2. Do I Know Why This Marriage Has Become Sexless?

Sexless marriages can stem from many factors, such as health problems, emotional disconnect, unresolved conflicts, or lifestyle stressors like work or parenting. Take time to understand the root causes before deciding to leave a sexless marriage.

Could medical interventions, therapy, or lifestyle changes bring the spark back? Recognizing the reasons behind the lack of intimacy is key to determining if the issue is temporary or permanent.

3. Am I Meeting My Partner’s Needs in This Sexless Marriage?

It’s easy to focus on your own unmet needs, but have you considered your partner’s perspective? A sexless marriage often develops when one or both partners feel emotionally neglected or unappreciated.

Reflect on whether you’re providing the emotional or physical support your partner might need to feel secure and connected. Rebuilding intimacy is often a two-way street.

4. Do I Still Feel Love and Affection for My Partner?

Before you leave a sexless marriage, take stock of your emotional connection. Do you still care deeply for your partner, or has the lack of intimacy eroded your bond?

Sometimes, the issue is more about emotional distance than physical intimacy. If love and affection remain, consider whether the relationship can be salvaged with effort and professional help.

5. Have We Tried to Solve the Problem Together?

Attempting to leave a sexless marriage without trying to address the issues can lead to regrets later. Have you and your partner explored couples therapy, sex therapy, or other resources?

Seeking expert help can reveal hidden dynamics and provide actionable steps to reignite your physical relationship. Effort from both sides is necessary to determine whether intimacy can be restored.

6. Is This Sexless Marriage Hurting My Mental and Emotional Health?

Living in a sexless marriage can take a toll on your self-esteem, happiness, and mental health. Ask yourself how this dynamic is impacting your sense of worth, and overall well-being. Do you feel lonely, rejected, or unimportant?

If the marriage is diminishing your emotional health, it’s a serious sign that change may be necessary—whether through repair or leaving.

7. Is the Lack of Sex Just a Symptom of Bigger Issues?

A sexless marriage doesn’t always happen in isolation. It’s often a sign of deeper problems, such as unresolved resentment, trust issues, or growing incompatibility.

Sexless Marriage: 7 Signs Of Deeper Issues In Relationships

Be honest with yourself about whether these underlying issues can be addressed or whether they’re beyond repair. Solving the root problems could improve intimacy, but ignoring them won’t make the marriage better.

8. Could I Stay in This Sexless Marriage Long-Term?

If intimacy never returns, could you still see a future in this relationship? Some people are content to stay in a sexless marriage if the partnership provides emotional support, companionship, or other fulfilling qualities. However, if the lack of sex is a dealbreaker for you, this question is critical to answer honestly.

In navigating the complexities of a sexless marriage, couples must engage in honest self-reflection, open communication, and a willingness to address underlying issues.

9. What Are My Expectations About Sex in a Marriage?

Sex is an important part of most marriages, but its role varies from person to person. Reflect on what a healthy sexual relationship means to you. Are you seeking physical connection, emotional closeness, or both? Understanding your expectations will help you decide whether staying in a sexless marriage aligns with your values and needs.

10. Am I Ready for the Consequences if I Leave a Sexless Marriage?

Leaving a sexless marriage comes with practical, emotional, and financial implications. Are you prepared to navigate the complexities of divorce or separation? Consider the impact on your family, finances, and future relationships. Visualize the life you want after leaving and ensure that you’re making a decision rooted in clarity, not impulse or desperation.

Final Thoughts

So, what it boils down to is this: We may not actually miss the physical intimacy in marriage, but the connection, that feeling of knowing you are emotionally safe with this person.

If you can get that back in to your relationship, that is more than half the battle right there.

No, you don’t have to have hot, mind blowing sex to have a “good relationship,” and it’s not selfish to leave, if you decide to. Marriage is a contract of the heart, but it’s also a contract to take care of the other person.

If one or both of you has fallen short of this – it’s decision time. Get help from a professional, and figure out an arrangement that makes both of you happy – or get out of the relationship, but don’t feel guilty for doing so.

Leaving a sexless marriage is not a decision to make lightly. By answering these questions, you can gain the clarity needed to choose what’s best for your well-being.