Sexless Marriage: 10 Harsh Questions to Ask Before Leaving

It’s not surprising that you landed here. It’s also not surprising that this article has been one of the most visited on this site.

Believe me. You aren’t alone.

Just a “heads up” – this article, like all of them here, is written from a woman’s viewpoint, based on my own thoughts and experiences.

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This article:

• Explores emotional and relational complexities of a sexless marriage
• Highlights feelings of rejection, frustration, and emotional distance
• Discusses the impact on mental health and relationship satisfaction
• Addresses factors contributing to a lack of intimacy and emotional safety
• Examines potential consequences like infidelity
• Encourages open communication and self-reflection to navigate challenges.
• I also discuss what my sexless marriage taught me, as well as it’s affects.

What My Sexless Marriage Taught Me

I am in a sexless marriage, and come to think of it, if I am to go by the relationship “experts” my whole marriage has been considered “sexless,” although it produced two lovely kids, that we both adore without end.

Before having kids, our physical intimacy was infrequent, about once a month, largely due to our shared drinking habit.

In the spring of 2023, I decided to quit drinking, as I had stopped enjoying it years earlier, but kept it up for the sake of our connection.

He didn’t stop, and the gap between us only grew. Now, he drinks alone, without his “drinking buddy,” and the distance between us has deepened.

As I went through my forties, I mourned the things that have always been missing in our marriage – including intimacy. I mourned my marital resentment, the dismissive way he spoke to me, the covert manipulation, his hairtrigger temper, and the complete, and total lack of closeness.

He, being clueless to my unhappiness, despite our many discussions, seems happy as a clam about the status quo, which has always perplexed me.

“How can a guy actually be ok with this??”

My sexless marriage has taught me that it’s easier to not talk, and to stop trying to push for intimacy that just isn’t there. I had years of trying, crying, and cajoling him.

The sex, and lack of it, aren’t really the point. It’s about intimacy and feeling emotionally safe. I believe this is the biggest issue for women in a marriage that has become sexless – they don’t feel emotionally safe with their husbands.

For example, nearly every (rare) time we’d do it, he’d snap at me, pick a fight, or do some other hurtful thing the VERY NEXT DAY! I finally got tired of him pulling the rug out from under me, made the connection of not being emotionally safe with him, and quit initiating.

I decided to stay indifferent to my relationship while I decided what to do about it.

He has many wonderful qualities, and I wouldn’t want to hurt him, but he has hurt me very much by his lack of interest in me physically. I’ve felt ugly, unwanted, asexual, and have wondered what was wrong with me.

Below are some questions I contemplated, as I decided whether or not to stay or go. Maybe you have asked yourself these same questions at some point in your relationship too.

1. Can a Marriage Survive Without Intimacy?

Intimacy is the cornerstone of a healthy and fulfilling marriage. While marriages can endure temporary periods of reduced intimacy due to external factors, a prolonged absence of physical and emotional closeness may strain the fabric of the relationship.

Successful survival without intimacy often requires open communication, mutual understanding, and a concerted effort from both partners to address underlying issues.

Intimacy, often viewed as the lifeblood of a marriage, encompasses more than physical closeness. It weaves through the emotional and psychological facets of a relationship, creating a tapestry that binds two individuals together.

Your partner may have other wonderful qualities that make it easier to stay and live without intimacy. Obviously these things should be taken into consideration before leaving. However, if it’s missing the key points above, as sexless marriages usually do, it likely won’t survive.

2. How Long Without Intimacy is Considered a Sexless Marriage?

The definition of a sexless marriage varies, but it is commonly characterized by a significant decline in sexual activity. Experts often define a sexless marriage as one where couples engage in sexual activity less than ten times a year.

However, the subjective nature of this term highlights the importance of considering individual needs, expectations, and relationship dynamics.

3. How Common are Sexless Marriages?

Sexless marriages are more prevalent than one might assume. Studies suggest approximately 15-20% of couples experience extended periods of low or no sexual activity, but I wouldn’t doubt if these percentages are actually higher.

So, it’s not as rare as I thought, however I took little comfort in knowing how prevelant sexless marriages are.

4. What Eventually Happens in a Sexless Marriage?

The consequences of a sexless marriage are diverse, and can manifest emotionally, physically, and relational. Emotional distance, feelings of rejection, resentment, and a decline in overall relationship satisfaction are common outcomes.

Prolonged sexual dissatisfaction may also lead to infidelity, communication breakdown, or, in extreme cases, separation or divorce.

As a sexless marriage persists, the consequences deepen, leaving an indelible impact on both individuals and the relationship itself. Emotional distance, stemming from unmet needs and unfulfilled desires, intensifies, creating a palpable void between partners.

Feelings of rejection take root, eroding self-esteem and triggering a cycle of emotional withdrawal. The overall satisfaction within the relationship plummets, as the absence of physical and emotional closeness becomes a persistent source of unhappiness.

Prolonged sexual dissatisfaction often becomes a breeding ground for infidelity, as some may seek the missing connection elsewhere. The breakdown in communication, a natural consequence of unattended intimacy issues, further exacerbates the strain on the relationship.

5. How Are Women Affected by a Sexless Marriage?

Women, like men, experience a range of emotional and psychological effects in a sexless marriage. Common consequences include feelings of undesirability, diminished self-esteem, and frustration.

Women may also struggle with the emotional disconnection that often accompanies a lack of physical intimacy.

The emotional fabric of the relationship weakens, leaving women yearning for the deeper connection that physical intimacy often creates.

6. On the Flip Side: What Does Lack of Intimacy Do to a Man?

Believe it or not, I’ve often thought of how this might affect my husband.

For men, the impact of a sexless marriage extends beyond physical frustration. Men may struggle with feelings of inadequacy, rejection, and frustration, leading to potential emotional withdrawal. The absence of intimacy can strain their emotional well-being, affecting their mental health and overall relationship satisfaction.

Lack of intimacy can cultivate a pervasive sense of inadequacy within men, as they may internalize the perceived rejection, questioning their ability to fulfill their partner’s needs and the core of their masculinity.

The toll on their emotional well-being can extend to mental health, contributing to heightened stress levels and potential depressive states.

7. Is it Okay to Cheat in a Sexless Marriage?

Cheating is not a universally accepted or ethical solution to address the challenges of a sexless marriage – yet people do it in sexless marriages with zero regrets. They seem to feel that sex is owed to them by their partner. They are consumed with resentment, and I can’t blame them for feeling this way. Most of us dont marry to take a vow of celibacy!

While cheating may provide temporary relief or validation, infidelity often exacerbates existing problems, leading to further emotional pain and complications. Open communication, seeking professional help, or reevaluating the relationship may offer healthier alternatives.

I don’t recommend cheating.

8. Is it Normal for a Man to Not Want Sex in a Relationship?

This question has consumed me.

Everywhere you look on social media, men seem almost obsessed with it. So, why isn’t my husband? Not even a little?

Variability in sexual desire is entirely normal within the spectrum of human relationships. Factors such as stress, health issues, or changes in emotional connection can influence a man’s interest in sex.

Open communication and mutual understanding are essential to navigate these fluctuations and maintain a healthy connection.

However, if he truly isn’t in to it, all the talking in the world won’t change him. This brings me to my next point…

9. When Should You Give Up in a Sexless Relationship?

Deciding when to give up on a sexless relationship is a deeply personal choice.

Assessing whether both partners are genuinely willing to invest the time and effort required to address the underlying issues is essential.

It involves exploring avenues for improvement, and determining if the relationship aligns with the vision each person holds for their future.

Seeking professional guidance or engaging in couples therapy can be invaluable during this decision-making process.

Trained professionals can offer insights, facilitate communication, and provide tools to navigate the complexities of a sexless marriage.

Ultimately, the decision to give up, or persevere requires a delicate balance between self-reflection, effective communication, and a mutual commitment to the well-being of both individuals involved.

One person cannot carry the marriage that lacks intimacy. It must be an effort both of you make towards improvement.

10. Is it Selfish to Leave a Sexless Marriage?

Now, this is a question I’ve struggled with. Most people don’t leave just because of this. There are usually much deeper issues when we look under the surface, that lead up to it.

Leaving a sexless marriage is not inherently selfish; it’s a decision rooted in self-preservation, and personal fulfillment. We have the right to prioritize our well-being, and happiness.

However, the manner in which one approaches the decision and communicates with their partner can significantly impact the overall outcome.

In navigating the complexities of a sexless marriage, couples must engage in honest self-reflection, open communication, and a willingness to address underlying issues.

Final Thoughts

So, what it boils down to is this: We may not actually miss the physical intimacy in marriage, but the connection, that feeling of knowing you are emotionally safe with this person.

If you can get that back in to your relationship, that is more than half the battle right there.

No, you don’t have to have hot, mind blowing sex to have a “good relationship,” and it’s not selfish to leave if you decide to. Marriage is a contract of the heart, but it’s also a contract to take care of the other person.

If one or both of you has fallen short of this – it’s decision time. Get help from a professional, and figure out an arrangement that makes both of you happy – or get out, but don’t feel guilty for doing so.

Marriage is about the connection between you both. When that physical and emotional connection is lost, and can’t be found again, what do you have left?

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