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So many of us are living what is called a tolerable level of permanent unhappiness. We may not all be British, but many of us the world over have developed a “Keep Calm and Carry On” attitude when it comes to our marriages, and relationships.
Living with a tolerance of unhappiness, and the sense of quiet desperation it brings, doesn’t have to be that way, but for many of us, it is.
Today I’m discussing the how we reach this point, why we put up with it, and how to combat tolerance of unhappiness.
What a Tolerable Level of Permanent Unhappiness Looks Like in a Relationship
When a relationship reaches a tolerable level of permanent unhappiness, it typically means that both partners have settled into a state where the relationship is no longer fulfilling or joyful.
They tolerate it because the discomfort is not severe enough to prompt immediate action, like breaking up or seeking major changes.
Some people figure they can live with the low-level pain, even if it kills their spirit internally.
This concept can manifest in various ways:
Emotional Disconnection: Over time, couples may drift apart emotionally, resulting in a lack of deep connection, intimacy, or meaningful communication. The relationship continues out of habit or obligation, rather than genuine love or fulfillment.
Low Conflict, Low Satisfaction: The relationship may be free of major conflicts, which can make it seem easier to stay in, but there’s also a lack of joy, passion, or excitement. This “comfortable numbness” can lead to feelings of being stuck in a rut.
Fear of Change: Fear of being alone, societal pressure, or concerns about finances or children might keep people in a relationship that’s unsatisfying, but not unbearable. The idea of starting over or confronting deep-seated issues seems more daunting than enduring the current state of unhappiness.
Loss of Identity: Sometimes, individuals in such relationships may have lost a sense of who they are outside of the partnership. They might stay because they don’t know what their life would look like without the other person, even if they’re not truly happy.
Compromise Turned Resignation: What begins as compromises in a relationship can gradually turn into a sense of resignation, where partners give up on their hopes for improvement and just accept the relationship as it is.
In such scenarios, the relationship functions on a level where it avoids the extremes of misery, yet it lacks the vibrancy and satisfaction that a healthy partnership should ideally offer.
It can be a precarious situation, as long-term tolerance of this unhappiness can lead to resentment, further emotional distance, or even a breakdown of the relationship over time.
How Does a Relationship Get to a Tolerable Level of Permanent Unhappiness?
A relationship that settles into a “tolerable level of permanent unhappiness” is often the result of multiple factors that accumulate over time.
Here are some common causes:
1. Unresolved Conflicts
Over time, unresolved conflicts can erode the foundation of a relationship. When issues are repeatedly brushed under the rug or avoided, they don’t disappear—they fester and turn into resentment. This can lead to a sense of perpetual dissatisfaction as both partners feel unheard and unfulfilled.
2. Emotional Neglect
As life gets busy, partners may unintentionally neglect each other’s emotional needs. This can create a sense of loneliness within the relationship, where one or both partners feel emotionally abandoned, even if they are physically present.
3. Complacency
After the initial excitement of a relationship fades, it’s easy to fall into routines and take each other for granted. Complacency can lead to a lack of effort in maintaining the relationship, resulting in a slow decline in intimacy, communication, and overall satisfaction.
4. Mismatched Expectations
When partners have different expectations for the relationship—whether in terms of career, family, intimacy, or personal growth—unhappiness can set in if these differences aren’t addressed and reconciled. Over time, these unmet expectations can become a source of ongoing frustration.
5. Fear of Change
Many people stay in unsatisfying relationships because they fear the unknown. The idea of ending a long-term relationship, especially when it involves shared assets, children, or social ties, can be terrifying. This fear can lead to a tolerance of unhappiness, as the pain of leaving seems greater than the discomfort of staying.
6. Dependency
Emotional or financial dependency can keep people in relationships that aren’t fulfilling. If one partner relies heavily on the other for support, they may feel trapped, leading to a situation where the relationship continues despite a lack of true happiness.
7. Incompatible Communication Styles
Poor communication or vastly different communication styles can lead to misunderstandings and unmet needs. When partners don’t feel heard or understood, it creates a barrier to resolving issues and deepening the connection, resulting in ongoing dissatisfaction.
8. Loss of Shared Interests or Goals
Over time, couples may grow apart in terms of interests, values, or life goals. If partners no longer share a common vision for the future or enjoy spending time together, the relationship can become more of a cohabitation arrangement than a true partnership.
9. External Stressors
Chronic stress from work, finances, or health issues can strain a relationship. When these external pressures are overwhelming, they can sap the energy needed to nurture the relationship, leaving it in a state of neglect and unhappiness.
10. Lack of Effort or Investment
Relationships require continuous effort and investment. When one or both partners stop putting in the effort—whether due to fatigue, loss of interest, or other reasons—the relationship can stagnate, leading to a state where both partners simply tolerate the status quo.
11. Cultural or Social Expectations
In some cases, societal or cultural expectations can pressure individuals to stay in relationships that are no longer fulfilling. This can lead to a toleration of unhappiness, as leaving might be seen as socially unacceptable or as a failure.
When these factors combine, they create an environment where the relationship is functional enough to continue but lacks the emotional richness and satisfaction that would make it truly fulfilling.
Over time, this “tolerable level of permanent unhappiness” can become the norm, with both partners accepting it as the best they can expect, even if it’s far from what they once hoped for.
Steps to Comabat Tolerance of Unhappiness in Your Relationship
If your relationship has reached a point where you are experiencing a tolerable level of permanent unhappiness, it’s important to evaluate your options and prioritize your well-being.
Here are some steps you can take:
Self-Reflection: Take time to reflect on what you want and need from a relationship. Consider what aspects of the relationship are causing unhappiness and whether they can be addressed.
Open Dialogue: Have an honest conversation with your partner about your feelings. Express your concerns and desires for a more fulfilling relationship. Use “I” statements to avoid blame and foster a constructive dialogue.
Counseling: Seek couples counseling to work through issues with the help of a neutral third party. A therapist can provide tools and strategies to improve communication and address underlying problems.
Set Realistic Expectations: Understand that every relationship has its ups and downs. Determine whether your expectations are realistic and if the unhappiness is due to temporary issues or more deeply rooted problems.
Focus on Self-Care: Prioritize your own well-being by engaging in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment. Self-care can improve your overall happiness and resilience.
Strengthen Support Networks: Lean on friends, family, and support groups to provide emotional support and perspective. Sharing your feelings with trusted individuals can help you feel less isolated.
Evaluate the Future: Consider the long-term implications of staying in a relationship that causes permanent unhappiness. Think about how it affects your mental health, physical health, and overall quality of life.
Explore Alternatives: If the unhappiness persists and cannot be resolved, explore other options, including separation or divorce. Sometimes, leaving a relationship is the best choice for both partners’ well-being.
Legal and Financial Advice: If you’re considering separation or divorce, seek legal and financial advice to understand your rights and plan accordingly.
Personal Growth: Focus on personal growth and development. Pursue new hobbies, education, or career opportunities that can enhance your sense of purpose and self-worth.
Ultimately, you deserve to be in a relationship that brings you happiness and fulfillment. It’s important to take proactive steps to address your unhappiness and make informed decisions about your future.
What is one step you feel ready to take to improve your situation?
Why Do We Put Up With a Tolerance of Unhappiness?
Staying in an unhappy or emotionally abusive relationship can be influenced by a variety of complex factors. Here are some common reasons why people might stay:
Fear of Change: The uncertainty of leaving can be daunting. Fear of the unknown, financial instability, or the potential for being alone can make staying seem like the safer option.
Low Self-Esteem: Prolonged emotional abuse can erode self-esteem, making individuals feel unworthy of better treatment or incapable of finding a healthier relationship.
Hope for Improvement: Many hold onto the hope that their partner will change or that the relationship will improve over time, especially if there have been periods of happiness in the past.
Social and Cultural Pressures: Societal norms, cultural expectations, or religious beliefs can pressure individuals to stay in a relationship despite unhappiness, fearing judgment or stigma from others.
Love and Attachment: Emotional bonds and love can make it difficult to leave, even when the relationship is harmful. The emotional investment and shared history can create a strong attachment.
Children and Family: Concerns about the impact of separation on children or the desire to maintain a united family can be powerful motivators to stay, despite personal unhappiness.
Isolation: Abusive partners often isolate their victims from friends and family, making it harder to seek support or even realize that leaving is a viable option.
Financial Dependence: Economic factors, such as financial dependence on the partner, can create significant barriers to leaving, especially if there are limited resources or job opportunities.
Gaslighting and Manipulation: Abusive partners may use tactics like gaslighting to make their victims doubt their own perceptions and reality, making it harder to recognize the abuse and take action.
Guilt and Responsibility: Feeling responsible for the partner’s behavior or believing that leaving will cause them harm can lead to staying in the relationship.
Understanding these factors can cause a tolerance of unhappiness in your relationship can help you recognize the barriers you might be facing and take steps to address them. It’s important to seek support and remember that you deserve a healthy, fulfilling relationship.
What specific factors do you feel are influencing your decision to stay in your unhappy relationship?
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