These Nine Excuses Predict Divorce Better Than Therapy

I watched my parents’ marriage unravel over a series of “I didn’t mean it that way” and “You know how I am.” Small excuses, repeated endlessly, until the distance between them became a canyon.

My mom would bring up something that hurt her. My dad would deflect. She’d retreat. He’d assume it was fine. Years of this. Then one day, she just stopped trying.

That’s the thing about excuses in marriage. They feel harmless in the moment. You’re tired, you’re stressed, you didn’t mean to hurt anyone. The excuse rolls off your tongue so easily that you barely notice you’ve said it. Your partner might not even push back at first. They might let it go.

The damage happens slowly. It’s not one explosive fight that ends everything. It’s the accumulation of all those times you sidestepped responsibility, minimized their feelings, or promised change that never came. Each excuse adds another brick to a wall between you and the person you love.

Eventually, that wall becomes so high you can’t see each other anymore.

Why These Excuses Become Marriage Destroyers

Excuses do something insidious to relationships. They create a cycle where problems never actually get solved. When you deflect responsibility, you stop the conversation before it can lead anywhere meaningful. Your partner feels unheard. They start to wonder if their feelings even matter to you.

Research on relationship dynamics shows that avoiding accountability erodes trust faster than almost anything else. When your partner can’t count on you to own your mistakes, they stop feeling safe with you emotionally. That safety is everything in marriage. Without it, intimacy dies.

Think about what happens when you keep hearing the same excuse. At first, you might believe it. The second time, you’re a little skeptical. By the tenth time, you’ve stopped believing anything will change. You start building your own walls, protecting yourself from the disappointment you know is coming.

Excuses also create a power imbalance. One person constantly avoids responsibility while the other carries the emotional weight of the relationship. That’s exhausting. Eventually, the person doing all the work just gives up. Why keep trying when all you get is another excuse?

“I Didn’t Mean It That Way”

This one comes out after you’ve said something that hurt your partner. Maybe your tone was sharp, maybe your words cut deeper than you realized. Instead of acknowledging the pain you caused, you deflect. You focus on your intention rather than their experience.

Here’s the problem: your intention doesn’t erase their hurt. When you refuse to take responsibility for impact, you’re essentially telling your partner that their feelings are invalid. You’re saying, “Your pain doesn’t count because I didn’t plan to cause it.”

Over time, this excuse teaches your partner that bringing up their hurt is pointless. They learn to swallow their feelings rather than risk being dismissed again. That’s when the real distance begins.

Try this instead: “I understand that hurt you, and I’m sorry.” Simple. Direct. It validates their experience without getting defensive about your intentions.

“You Know How I Am”

This excuse is particularly damaging because it positions your flaws as fixed and unchangeable. You’re essentially saying, “This is who I am, take it or leave it.” The unspoken message? “I’m not going to work on this.”

Every healthy relationship requires growth. When you use your personality or past behavior as a shield against accountability, you stop that growth cold. Your partner is left feeling helpless, stuck with someone who refuses to evolve.

Marriage needs both people to keep trying, keep learning, keep adjusting. Using “you know how I am” as a free pass to avoid change is one of the quickest ways to kill a relationship.

Acknowledge your patterns, sure. Then do something about them. “I know I tend to do this, and I’m working on changing it” shows that you’re willing to grow for the relationship.

“I’m Too Tired to Talk About This Right Now”

Exhaustion is real. Life is overwhelming sometimes. The problem isn’t that you’re tired; it’s when this becomes your default response to difficult conversations.

When you consistently use fatigue as a reason to avoid talking, your partner gets the message that they’re low priority. Their concerns can always wait. Tomorrow, next week, whenever you feel like it. Except tomorrow you’re tired again, and next week brings new excuses.

Important issues don’t resolve themselves. They fester. The longer you put off addressing them, the bigger they become. What could have been a ten-minute conversation turns into a relationship-threatening problem because you kept pushing it aside.

If you’re genuinely exhausted, say so, then commit to a specific time to talk. “I’m really drained right now, can we talk about this tomorrow morning over coffee?” gives your partner a concrete plan instead of an indefinite delay.

“It’s Your Fault for Getting Upset”

This excuse is manipulation dressed up as logic. You’re shifting blame from your actions to their reaction. Instead of examining what you did, you’re making them feel bad for having feelings about it.

This is gaslighting territory. When you consistently tell someone their emotional responses are wrong, you’re training them not to trust their own instincts. They start questioning whether they have a right to be hurt, whether their feelings are valid at all.

Healthy relationships honor each other’s emotions. Even if you don’t fully understand why something upset your partner, you can still respect that it did. Their feelings are real, regardless of whether you think they “should” feel that way.

Own your actions. Listen to their feelings. Apologize when you’ve caused pain. Creating a safe space for emotions strengthens your bond instead of destroying it.

“I’ll Change (But Not Today)”

Empty promises might be the most painful excuse of all. Your partner hears hope in your words, then watches as days turn to weeks with no action. Each broken promise chips away at their trust a little more.

Change requires immediate action, even if it’s small. Saying you’ll change “eventually” is really saying you won’t. If improving mattered to you, you’d start right now. Today. This moment.

Your partner doesn’t need grand gestures or perfect transformation. They need to see effort. They need evidence that you’re actually trying, that their concerns mean enough to you to take even one small step forward.

Commit to something specific and immediate. “I’m going to work on this today by…” Then follow through. Consistent small actions rebuild trust faster than big promises that never materialize.

“I Was Just Joking”

Using humor as a shield for hurtful comments is cowardly. You say something mean, your partner reacts, and suddenly you’re claiming it was all in fun. They’re too sensitive. They can’t take a joke. The problem is them, not you.

This excuse does two damaging things at once: it dismisses their hurt and makes them feel foolish for having a reaction. They’re left feeling confused, questioning whether they’re overreacting to something that genuinely hurt them.

Jokes should bring joy, not pain. If your humor consistently leaves your partner feeling small or attacked, that’s not humor at all. It’s criticism hiding behind laughter.

When you hurt someone, whether you meant to or not, take responsibility. “I thought it was funny, but I see now that it hurt you. I’m sorry” acknowledges both your intention and their reality without making excuses.

“I Didn’t Have Time”

Time is a choice. You make time for what matters to you. When “I didn’t have time” becomes your go-to excuse for neglecting your relationship, you’re really saying your marriage isn’t a priority.

Your partner hears this excuse and translates it accurately: “Other things are more important than you.” That’s crushing. Everyone wants to feel valued by the person they chose to spend their life with.

Busy seasons happen. Life gets overwhelming. The difference is in how you handle it. Do you acknowledge the neglect and actively work to reconnect? Or do you keep pushing your relationship further down the priority list until there’s nothing left?

Even in chaos, you can find moments. A text during the day. A few minutes of actual conversation before bed. Small consistent efforts show your partner they still matter, even when life is demanding.

“It’s Not a Big Deal”

Who decides what’s a big deal? When you dismiss your partner’s concerns as trivial, you’re appointing yourself the arbiter of what deserves attention in your marriage. That’s not how partnerships work.

Something might seem small to you and massive to your partner. Their perspective is valid even if it differs from yours. Minimizing their feelings teaches them that their concerns aren’t welcome, that bringing up issues will just lead to being told they’re overreacting.

Over time, they stop sharing. They bury their frustrations until they can’t anymore. Then you’re blindsided when what seemed like “little things” to you have grown into relationship-ending resentment.

Take your partner’s concerns seriously, regardless of how significant they seem to you. “I hear that this matters to you, let’s talk about it” validates their experience and opens the door to actual resolution.

“I Was Raised That Way”

Your upbringing shaped you. It doesn’t excuse you from growing beyond it. Using your past as justification for current behavior is a refusal to take responsibility for who you choose to be now.

We all carry patterns from childhood. Some healthy, some not. The question is whether you’re willing to examine those patterns and change the ones that hurt your relationship. Hiding behind “that’s how I was raised” says you’re not.

Your partner didn’t marry your parents or your childhood. They married you, and they deserve a partner willing to evolve. Acknowledging your background while committing to break harmful patterns shows emotional maturity and respect for your relationship.

Growth is always possible. “I learned this growing up, and I’m working to do better” shows awareness and commitment instead of resignation.

Own Your Actions

Start taking responsibility without qualifiers. No “but” or “I didn’t mean to” attached to apologies. When you mess up, say so clearly. “I was wrong” is a complete sentence.

Accountability rebuilds trust. When your partner sees you consistently owning your mistakes, they feel safer being vulnerable with you. They know that bringing up concerns won’t result in deflection or defensiveness.

This requires swallowing your pride sometimes. Admitting you’re wrong feels uncomfortable. Do it anyway. Your ego matters less than your marriage.

Have Real Conversations

Approach difficult topics with curiosity instead of defensiveness. Ask questions: “Help me understand why this hurt you” or “What can I do differently?” These questions show you’re genuinely trying to understand, not just waiting for your turn to defend yourself.

Listen more than you talk. Really hear what your partner is saying instead of planning your response. Sometimes they just need to be heard and validated, not fixed or corrected.

Create space for honesty. If your partner knows that sharing concerns will lead to excuses and arguments, they’ll stop sharing. Make it safe to be real with each other, even when the truth is hard.

Set Clear Boundaries

Decide together that excuses and blame aren’t acceptable in your marriage. When either of you starts deflecting, call it out gently. “That sounds like an excuse. Can we talk about what actually happened?”

This isn’t about being harsh with each other, it’s creating accountability. You’re both committed to showing up honestly, without hiding behind justifications.

Boundaries protect your relationship. They establish what behaviors you will and won’t tolerate, creating a healthier dynamic for both of you.

Final Thoughts

The excuses that wreck marriages aren’t dramatic. They’re quiet. Repeated. So normalized that you barely notice them anymore. That’s what makes them so dangerous.

I think about my parents and wonder what might have changed if they’d stopped making excuses earlier. If my dad had owned his impact instead of defending his intentions. If my mom had insisted on real conversations instead of retreating into silence.

You don’t enter a marriage expecting to be dismissed, overlooked, or given excuses instead of accountability. Yet it happens gradually, excuse by excuse, until the relationship you once had is unrecognizable.

The good part is you can stop this pattern right now. Today. This moment. Stop defending, start owning. Stop dismissing, start listening. Stop promising, start doing.

Your marriage is worth more than the temporary discomfort of accountability. Choose growth over excuses. Choose honesty over deflection. Choose your partner over your pride.

That’s how you build something that lasts.