They’re Not Confused. They’re Twisting Your Words on Purpose.
You know that feeling when you’ve explained something three times and they still get it wrong?
I’ve watched it happen. A friend once told her partner she needed more help around the house. Clear, right? He nodded. Said he understood. Then the next week, he’d ask her why she was “always complaining” and “never happy with what he does.”
She wasn’t complaining. She was asking for partnership. He knew that. But twisting her words into something else gave him an out.
That’s what it looks like when someone is intentionally misunderstood. They’re not confused. They’re choosing confusion because it works for them.
The Pattern of Being Committed to Misunderstanding
Constant miscommunication in your relationship doesn’t always mean you’re bad at talking to each other. Sometimes it means one person has learned that “misunderstanding” is a really effective tool.
Think about it. If they can reframe what you said into something unreasonable, suddenly you’re the problem. You’re too sensitive. Too demanding. Too much.
And here’s the thing: it’s exhausting to be misunderstood on purpose. You start second-guessing yourself. Maybe you weren’t clear enough. Maybe you should’ve said it differently. You replay the conversation in your head, wondering where you went wrong.
You didn’t go wrong. They did.
What Misunderstanding You for Control Actually Looks Like
It’s not always obvious at first. It starts small.
You say you’re tired and need a quiet night. They hear you don’t want to spend time with them.
You mention you’d like them to check in more often. They accuse you of being clingy.
You ask for something reasonable. They act like you demanded the impossible.
Over time, you realize you can’t win. Every conversation gets twisted. Every boundary you set gets reinterpreted as an attack. You feel like you’re speaking a different language, except you’re not. They’re just refusing to hear you correctly.
This isn’t about different communication styles. It’s about power. When someone stays committed to misunderstanding you, they get to control the narrative. They decide what you meant, what you need, and whether you’re being “fair.”
It puts you on the defensive. You spend all your energy trying to clarify instead of being heard.
Why People Choose to Misunderstand
Most of the time, it’s because understanding you would require them to change.
If they actually heard you say “I need more emotional support,” they’d have to show up differently. If they acknowledged that you’re asking for respect, they’d have to stop dismissing you.
Misunderstanding you lets them off the hook. It turns your needs into overreactions. Your feelings into drama. Your boundaries into unreasonable demands.
And sometimes, it’s about winning. If they can make you look like the difficult one, they don’t have to examine their own behavior. They get to stay comfortable while you’re the one bending and explaining and trying harder.
How It Affects You Over Time
You start shrinking yourself. You rehearse conversations in your head, trying to find the “right” words that won’t get twisted. You become hyper-aware of your tone, your phrasing, your timing.
You apologize for things you didn’t do. You drop issues that matter because bringing them up feels pointless. You wonder if you’re imagining things, if maybe you really are too sensitive or asking for too much.
That doubt you feel is the goal. When you stop trusting your own perception, you stop pushing back. You accept their version of reality, even when it doesn’t match what actually happened.
I’ve seen people lose themselves this way. They become so focused on being understood that they forget to notice they’re not being respected.
When You Realize It’s Intentional
There’s a moment when it clicks. Maybe you notice that they understand you perfectly fine when it benefits them. Or you realize they never “misunderstand” their boss or their friends the way they misunderstand you.
You see them twist your words in real time, watch them reshape what you just said into something you’d never mean. And you know. This isn’t accidental.
That moment is painful. It means someone you trusted, someone you’ve been trying so hard to reach, has been choosing not to meet you halfway.
It also means you can stop blaming yourself. You can stop trying to find the magic words that’ll finally make them hear you. Because they already do. They just don’t want to.
What You Can Do About It
You can’t force someone to stop being intentionally misunderstood. You can’t argue them into honesty or explain your way into being heard. If they’ve decided that misunderstanding you serves them, no amount of clarity will change that.
What you can do is stop participating. Stop defending yourself against accusations you know aren’t true. Stop over-explaining your perfectly reasonable requests. Stop shrinking to fit their distorted version of you.
You can say things once, clearly, and then let it sit. If they misinterpret it, you can correct them once. If they keep doing it, you can recognize the pattern for what it is.
You can also decide what you’re willing to tolerate. A relationship where you’re constantly being misunderstood on purpose isn’t a partnership. It’s a power struggle. And you don’t have to keep playing.
The Hard Truth About Misunderstanding You for Control
Some people won’t change because they don’t want to. They’ve built a dynamic that works for them, even if it’s breaking you down. Constant miscommunication in your relationship might feel like a communication problem, but when it’s deliberate, it’s a respect problem.
You deserve to be heard. Not perfectly understood every single time, because that’s not realistic. But genuinely heard. Met with good faith. Treated like your words matter.
If someone is committed to misunderstanding you, they’re telling you something important. They’re showing you that your reality doesn’t matter as much as their control.
Believe them.
You can’t build intimacy with someone who refuses to see you clearly. You can’t have trust when every conversation gets rewritten. You can’t feel safe when your words are constantly used against you.
And you shouldn’t have to try this hard to be understood by someone who claims to love you.
This post may contain affiliate links. I earn from qualifying Amazon purchases at no extra cost to you. This content is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional advice. [Read full disclaimer.]
Thank you for reading this post, don't forget to subscribe!
