You Keep Going Back Because They Trained You To

The Slot Machine Effect

Think about a slot machine. You pull the lever over and over, losing most of the time. But every so often, it pays out. That unpredictable reward keeps you playing longer than a machine that never pays at all. Your brain gets hooked on the maybe. The possibility. The next time could be the big win.

Intermittent reinforcement works the same way in relationships. When someone gives you affection, attention, or validation on an unpredictable schedule, your brain lights up like a casino floor. You don’t know when the next “win” is coming, so you keep trying. You stay longer. You tolerate more. Because what if the next time is different?

How Intermittent Reinforcement Shows Up

It starts small. They’re amazing at first. Attentive, loving, present. Then they pull back. They go cold. Stop texting. Cancel plans. You feel the loss immediately. Then, just when you’re about to give up, they come back. They’re sweet again. They apologize. They make you feel seen. You think, “See? I knew they cared.”

But the cycle repeats. The highs get higher because the lows are so painful. You’re not crazy for staying. You’re caught in a psychological pattern designed to keep you attached.

Here’s what intermittent reinforcement in relationships looks like:

They text you constantly for a week, then ghost you for three days. When they finally respond, it’s like nothing happened.

They’re affectionate one day and distant the next. You can’t predict their mood, so you’re always trying to figure out what you did wrong.

They make big promises when you’re about to leave, then go back to the same behavior once you stay.

They love bomb you after a fight. Flowers, apologies, grand gestures. Then the cycle starts again.

Your nervous system never gets a chance to settle. You’re always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Why It Works So Well

Your brain craves consistency. When someone is consistently kind or consistently cruel, you can make a decision. You can leave or you can stay. But inconsistency messes with your ability to see clearly. You hold onto the good moments like evidence. You tell yourself, “They do care. I’ve seen it.”

The unpredictability creates a powerful emotional bond. You’re not just attached to the person. You’re attached to the hope of getting that good version of them back. The one who made you feel special. The one who showed up.

Intermittent reinforcement and trauma bonding go hand in hand. Trauma bonding happens when you form a deep attachment to someone who hurts you. The bond gets stronger because of the cycles of pain and relief. You start to associate the relief with love. The attention after the neglect feels like proof they care. But really, you’re just responding to the end of discomfort.

Your Body Remembers

Even when your mind knows something’s wrong, your body holds onto the pattern. You might feel anxious when they don’t text back. Your heart races when their name pops up. You feel relief when they’re nice again, even if it only lasts an hour. These aren’t signs of love. They’re signs of conditioning.

Your nervous system has learned to expect inconsistency. It’s become normal. You might even feel bored in relationships where someone is steady and reliable. That’s not because steady is bad. It’s because your body has been trained to equate chaos with connection.

Breaking the Cycle

Getting out starts with seeing the pattern. Write it down if you have to. Track the highs and lows. You’ll start to notice the cycle. The closeness, the withdrawal, the return. Once you see it, you can’t unsee it.

Stop making excuses for the behavior. “They’re just busy.” “They’ve been through a lot.” Those things might be true, but they don’t justify the inconsistency. You deserve someone who shows up, not someone who shows up sometimes.

Set boundaries, even if it feels impossible. If someone only reaches out when it’s convenient for them, stop being available every time. You’re not playing hard to get. You’re protecting your energy.

Distance helps more than you think. Intermittent reinforcement loses its power when you’re not in the cycle. The longer you stay away, the clearer you’ll see how little you were actually getting.

Find people who are consistent. Friends, family, a therapist. Let your nervous system experience what reliability feels like. It might feel boring at first. That’s okay. Boring is safe. Boring is healthy.

You’re Not Asking for Too Much

If you’ve ever been told you’re too needy, too sensitive, or too much, I need you to hear this: wanting consistency is not asking for too much. Expecting someone to treat you well all the time, not just when they feel like it, is not unreasonable. You’re not the problem. The pattern is.

Intermittent reinforcement in relationships isn’t love. It’s control. It keeps you off balance, always working for the next crumb of affection. And the worst part? It works. You stay longer than you should. You forgive things you shouldn’t. You convince yourself it’s enough.

It’s not.

You’ll know you’re healing when the inconsistency starts to feel uncomfortable instead of normal. When you stop waiting for someone to change and start choosing people who don’t need to. When the idea of someone being kind to you all the time doesn’t feel suspicious, it just feels right.

That’s when you’ll realize intermittent reinforcement only worked because you didn’t know what you were dealing with. Now you do.