He Says He Loves You, Then Does This Behind Your Back

You know that feeling when something’s off, even though he says all the right things? Your gut knows before your brain catches up. Words mean nothing when his actions tell a completely different story.

Maybe he’s always just a little too dismissive when you speak. Your needs somehow always end up at the bottom of the list. You might brush it off as him having a bad day, being stressed, or just not thinking.

That’s what I did for years. Three years too long with a guy who was endlessly flaky, always had an excuse, and treated my time like it was infinitely flexible for his convenience.

The slow burn of being constantly overlooked, talked over, or made to feel like you’re being too sensitive? That’s not love. That’s a pattern you need to recognize before it destroys you from the inside out. These alarming signs he’s disrespecting you are hiding in plain sight, wrapped up in behaviors that show he doesn’t value you.

Here’s what I wish someone had told me earlier: when you see these actions that reveal hidden disrespect, you can’t unsee them. He’s treating you with quiet contempt, and once you recognize it, everything shifts.

He Treats Your Time Like It’s Worthless

He says he’ll call. He doesn’t. Makes plans, then ghosts or changes them last minute like it’s no big deal. You find yourself sitting around, waiting on his schedule while yours gets tossed aside.

I dated this guy when I was younger. Fun to be around, sure. The thing that finally broke us up was his relentless flakiness. We’d have plans to go somewhere. He never had money of his own. He’d get a great, well-paying job, then quit. Always had an excuse. One step forward and two steps back with this guy, on repeat.

I made a vow to myself after that disaster: never again. Lesson learned the hard way because I stayed for over three years.

If he truly valued you, he wouldn’t treat your day like it’s wide open for rescheduling at his convenience. That’s not forgetfulness. He sees you as less than equal.

Chores Mysteriously Become Your Sole Responsibility

This torpedoes so many relationships. The man-child who had his mommy pick up after him, now expects you to fill that role. Dishes piling up? Laundry mysteriously becoming your responsibility?

Somehow the “we” in the relationship turns into you doing everything while he magically forgets that adulting is a team sport.

If you’re cooking, cleaning, managing the schedule, doing the emotional labor heavy lifting, and he’s just existing? That’s not a partnership.

He’s not “just messy” or “not great at cleaning.” He sees you as his personal cleaning lady, and that attitude seeps into way more than just the laundry basket.

The Convenient Memory Lapses That Blow Up Later

He didn’t lie, technically. Just left out the part where he grabbed drinks with his ex or dropped a chunk of cash on something major. When you call it out, you get the classic: “I didn’t tell you because I knew you’d be mad.”

If he was really being honest and respectful, you wouldn’t be finding out after the fact. This isn’t protecting your feelings. It’s calculated avoidance, like you can’t handle the truth or don’t deserve to be looped in.

Your Wins Get Steamrolled By His Stories

You share a little accomplishment you’re proud of. Maybe a small win, or even a random breakfast recipe you made and were pleased with. Instead of engaging or showing interest, he one-ups you and steamrolls it with his own story.

Every single time.

You’re not having a conversation; you’re watching him circle the spotlight back to himself. This kind of low-key one-upping is one of those behaviors that show he doesn’t value you. He just sees your words as an opening for his monologue.

Your Taste Gets Trashed Like It’s a Joke

You like a song, a show, or even a simple food preference. Instead of letting you enjoy it, he dismisses it, breaks it down, and acts like your taste is laughable. Maybe he even changes the music in your car or switches off your favorite show without asking, like it’s no big deal.

This isn’t just harmless teasing. When he constantly puts down what you love, he’s making it clear that your interests don’t matter. That’s not playful banter; it’s control disguised as disrespect.

Boundaries Get Ignored Like They’re Suggestions

You asked the bare minimum: stop doing that thing. It would have absolutely no bearing on his life whatsoever. Maybe you’ve told him to stop calling you by a nickname you hate, messing with your stuff, or just plain doing the exact opposite of what you asked.

You’ve said it once, twice, maybe more. Instead, he keeps doing it like it’s some sick joke, or a way to get under your skin. This is blatant crazy-making at its finest.

Whether it’s “just a nickname” or “just messing around,” if he keeps crossing your boundaries, he doesn’t value you enough to respect what matters to you. The message is loud and clear: your feelings don’t matter to him.

Setting Boundaries Makes You the Bad Guy

You’re not even being unreasonable. Maybe you say you need space, ask them not to joke about something personal, or simply say “no” to something you’re not okay with. Suddenly, you’re the bad guy. They get defensive, guilt-trip you, or flip it around like you’re attacking them.

This isn’t sensitivity. It’s control dressed up as hurt feelings. When someone reacts like your boundaries are a threat, these are actions that reveal hidden disrespect. Their real message is: “I should be allowed to do what I want, even if it makes you uncomfortable.”

Your Vulnerability Becomes Ammunition

You opened up about something personal. Maybe your insecurities, a painful experience, something that took real trust to share. Later, in the heat of an argument, they throw it back in your face. Not to understand you. Not to resolve anything. Just to hurt you.

That’s not just low. It’s cruel. People don’t do this by accident. When he uses your pain as ammo instead of protecting it, that move right there is one of the ugliest behaviors that show he doesn’t value you, no matter how sweet he sounds once he cools off.

Your Feelings Get Downplayed Like They’re an Inconvenience

You bring something up that upset you, annoyed you, or just didn’t sit right. Instead of listening, they cut you off, wave it away, or hit you with the classic: “Relax, it’s not that serious.”

If it happens once in a while, maybe he’s being clueless. When it becomes the norm, it’s something else entirely.

This happened to me, and it sticks out more than any other incident. We were leaving my dad’s house after our once-a-year visit and had a thousand-mile drive back home. I could tell something was off with my dad this time. I turned to my husband and said, “I hope this isn’t the last time I see him.”

He blew my concerns off with a dismissive wave of his hand and said “this isn’t gonna be the last time” with a slight curl to his lip when he said it.

Guess what? It turned out that it was the last time. My dad passed away unexpectedly six months later.

This kind of consistent brushing-off isn’t harmless. When someone keeps minimizing your concerns, they’re not just being dismissive; they’re dodging accountability. Like your thoughts are background noise and your feelings are just overreactions.

Silence When Someone Disrespects You Right in Front of Him

You’re standing there. Someone says something rude, dismissive, or flat-out insulting to you, and he just shrugs. No push back, no “Hey, that’s not okay,” not even a sideways glance. He might laugh it off or pretend he didn’t hear it.

You heard it. So did he.

This is a big one for me, and the many times he’s done this to me are too numerous to count. The last time it happened was while we were in the car with my mid-twenties aged daughter in the back seat. She decided to disrespect me once again.

I’d finally had enough and blew my stack at her after numerous warnings to knock it off over the years, because embarrassing her was going to be the result and I won’t care whose around. Well, she effed around and found out that day.

I snapped like never before, and things got ugly. Then, instead of having my back and telling her not to disrespect me, her mother, he starts yelling at me and accusing me of thinking “everyone’s against me” right in front of her instead of focusing on the disrespect that she started. Infuriating.

He should have had my back as a united front of support as her parents, instead of taking her side and emboldening her that it was ok to do it again. I told him later that all he had to do was have my back with this and he kept doubling down on how he thinks I think “everyone is against me.”

Excuses Flow Freely While Apologies Remain Scarce

You bring something up, calmly or not. You tell them how it hurt you. Instead of owning it, they launch into a monologue of lame excuses about why they did it.

Suddenly, you’re not talking about what happened. You’re stuck listening to their TED Talk on how you’re overreacting or misunderstood the situation entirely.

Explaining isn’t the same as apologizing. It’s just a way to dodge accountability while making you feel like the problem. This kind of deflection is one of those actions that reveal hidden disrespect, because at the end of the day, they’re more focused on being “right” than making it right.

If someone can never say, “I’m sorry, I hurt you,” without adding a “but,” he sees you as less than equal. He’s showing you that your feelings don’t carry real weight in the relationship.

Final Thoughts on When It’s More Than Quiet Contempt

If you’re seeing these actions that reveal hidden disrespect play out, big or small, it’s not just in your head. These aren’t quirks, miscommunications, or harmless habits. They’re signs he’s treating you with quiet contempt, and they add up fast.

Whether it’s brushing off your boundaries, downplaying your feelings, or treating your needs like an afterthought, he’s showing you, loud and clear, that he doesn’t respect or value you.

When he sees you as less than equal, the relationship is already unbalanced. No amount of explaining it away will fix that. You shouldn’t have to constantly prove your worth to someone who should already see it.