Crazy-Making Behavior: The Relationship Pattern That Slowly Unravels You

There was a night I replayed a conversation in my head about twelve times. My partner had said one thing, then insisted they’d said another. I felt like I was losing it. Maybe I hadn’t been listening. Maybe I’d heard wrong. The doubt crept in so quietly I didn’t even notice it taking root. I have a hard time keeping thoughts and remembering things due to ADHD. I blamed myself.

That’s what crazy-making behavior in relationships does. It slips in through small moments that leave you second-guessing everything you thought you knew.

What Crazy-Making Behavior Actually Looks Like

You’re not imagining it. When someone uses crazy-making tactics, they’re shifting reality just enough to keep you off balance. They might agree to plans, then act surprised when you bring them up later. They’ll tell you you’re overreacting when you express a concern. Then they’ll turn around and get upset about the exact same thing.

I once knew someone who would cancel plans at the last minute, every single time. When I finally said something, they looked at me like I was being dramatic. “I never commit to anything,” they said. “You just assume.” I had texts. I had confirmations. I still felt like maybe I’d been too pushy.

That’s the hook. You start questioning yourself because the other person seems so certain.

Signs of Crazy Making That Sneak Up on You

The signs aren’t always obvious at first. Someone might joke about something you’re sensitive about, then tell you you’re too uptight when you don’t laugh. They’ll say they support your goals, then make subtle comments that chip away at your confidence. You bring up something that hurt you, and somehow the conversation ends with you apologizing.

You feel exhausted after talking to them. Not the good kind of tired that comes from deep conversation. The kind that makes you want to crawl into bed and not think for a while.

They might withhold affection until you do what they want. They’ll say “I’m fine” with a tone that clearly means they’re not, then get upset when you don’t read their mind. You’re walking on eggshells, trying to avoid the next blowup, and you can’t even pinpoint why.

Crazy-Making Examples in Relationships That Feel Familiar

You make dinner plans for Friday. You confirm on Wednesday. Friday rolls around, and they say they never agreed to it. You check your messages. There it is, clear as day. They shrug and say, “Well, I didn’t really mean it.”

Or maybe you express concern about how much they’re drinking. They laugh it off, tell you you’re being controlling. Two weeks later, they break down crying about how they think they have a problem and you never said anything.

Someone tells you they love how independent you are, then sulks every time you make plans without them. They say they want honesty, then punish you with silence when you’re honest about something they don’t want to hear.

These aren’t misunderstandings. These are patterns.

Crazy Making vs Gaslighting: The Difference That Matters

People throw around “gaslighting” a lot these days. Sometimes they mean it, sometimes they don’t. Gaslighting is deliberate. It’s a calculated effort to make you doubt your perception of reality so the other person can maintain control.

Crazy-making behavior in relationships can be gaslighting, but it’s not always that intentional. Sometimes people have learned unhealthy patterns. They’re emotionally immature, or they’re reacting from their own wounds. They might not even realize they’re doing it.

That doesn’t make it okay. It just means the intention might be different. (No excuse, because “intent” and consequences are two different things.)

Gaslighting says, “That never happened, and you’re crazy for thinking it did.” Crazy-making says, “Well, maybe it happened, but you’re remembering it wrong, and also you’re being too sensitive about it.”

Both leave you feeling unsteady. Both make you question yourself. The difference is in whether they’re doing it on purpose to control you, or whether they’re just emotionally reckless.

When You Start Losing Your Grip

The worst part isn’t the confusion. It’s the slow erosion of trust in yourself.

You stop bringing things up because you’re tired of being told you’re wrong. You second-guess your feelings before you even express them. You find yourself rehearsing conversations in your head, trying to find the right way to say something so they won’t twist it.

I remember standing in my kitchen, staring at my phone, trying to figure out if I had the right to be upset. That’s when I knew something was deeply wrong. Not with me. With the dynamic.

You shouldn’t have to build a case to prove your own feelings are valid.

What Happens When You Keep Ignoring It

If you let crazy-making behavior slide, it compounds. You start to lose pieces of yourself. Your confidence goes first. Then your voice. You become smaller, quieter, more careful.

You might stay because you love them. You might stay because leaving feels too hard. You might stay because they’ve convinced you that you’re the problem, and if you just try harder, things will get better.

They won’t.

People who engage in these patterns don’t change unless they recognize what they’re doing and genuinely want to work on it. Most of the time, they don’t see the problem. You’re the one who’s too sensitive, too needy, too much.

How to Trust Yourself Again

Start small. Write things down. Keep a record of conversations, plans, agreements. Not to weaponize later, but to reality-check yourself when the doubt creeps in.

Talk to someone outside the relationship. A friend who knows you well, a therapist, anyone who can offer perspective. When you’re in the thick of it, you need an anchor.

Notice how you feel after spending time with this person. Do you feel lighter or heavier? Energized or drained? Your body knows, even when your mind is tangled up.

Set a boundary and see what happens. It doesn’t have to be big. Just something simple. “I need you to confirm plans the day before, not cancel last minute.” Watch how they respond. Do they respect it, or do they make you feel bad for asking?

When Staying Isn’t Worth It

There’s a point where you have to ask yourself what you’re getting from this relationship. Not what you hope it could be. Not what it was in the beginning. What it actually is, right now, today.

If the answer is anxiety, confusion, and self-doubt, you already know what you need to do.

Leaving isn’t giving up. It’s choosing yourself. It’s saying that your reality matters, that your feelings are valid, that you don’t have to shrink to make someone else comfortable.

I know someone who stayed in a relationship like this for three years. They told me later that the first month after leaving felt like waking up from a fog. They could think clearly again. They could trust their own perceptions. They remembered who they were before all the second-guessing.

That’s what’s waiting on the other side.