Please follow and like us:

Toxic families don’t need a scapegoat—they need the truth. Being a “black sheep” isn’t what you think it is.

I have several people in my family who consider themselves “Black Sheep.” One was my mother in law, and the other is my brother.

*Keep in mind, these are labels they have PROUDLY given themselves. At no point has anyone on either side of my family called any other member a black sheep.*

Today, we’ll discuss why they are so proud of thier black sheep status, and who the REAL black sheep are.

Key Highlights

• Not all black sheep are created equal.
• Some people use “black sheep” as a power move for toxicity.
• The real outsiders aren’t the toxic ones.
• Walking away comes with a price.
• Freedom looks a lot like being the villain in their story.

Brother Black Sheep

My brother thinks he’s the black sheep of the family due to several factors. He looks nothing like me, or our parents. He’s blue eyed, blond, tall and very fair, while my parents and I were brunette, brown eyes, average height, and could tan if we wanted to.

He was always getting into things, very difficult, and in constant trouble. He hit the ground running as soon as he was born, and gave my parents decades of hell. He had the nerve to tell me he didn’t think he was dad’s kid the last time we spoke. My mother never messed around on my dad, but he had no issue with insinuating it!

My brother conveniently ignores the fact that he and my dad are alike in many ways except looks. My dad also had some tall, blue eyed, blonde uncles on that side of the family. So, genetics are the reason he looks different, not cheating.

Even though he moved across the country to an opposite coast, the toxicity he throws out still swirls around. I could tell countless stories of the hurtful things he’s done and said to all of us. Keep in mind, this is a grown man who is nearing his 50’s and he’s still saying things like this – unprovoked and totally out of the blue.

He’s lucky his remaining parent (my mom), me and his two kids don’t cut him off. Very lucky.

My family wasn’t perfect, and there was some degree of dysfunction, like in most families, but I wouldn’t say it was toxic.

Not even close.

Black Sheep Mother in Law

My mother in law figures she was the black sheep of the family because her father was a pastor, and her mother was a VERY stuffy school teacher. Growing up in the 1950’s, she smoked, ditched class, and did NOT attend church. I believe this mindset fueled her toxicity and gave her a “free pass” to act like a …. well, you know.

The one thing her and my brother have in common was that they would talk about thier black sheep status with a sense of pride, like they were some sort of rebellious “family maverick”.

It made me wonder why, so I decided to do some investigating into this all-too-common family dynamic.

Why Being a Black Sheep is a Source of Pride for Toxic People

What made me so intrugued by this, is the fact that both of these family members are among the most toxic and manipulative people I know.

For them, being the “black sheep” isn’t about being misunderstood—it’s about being untouchable.

Toxic people don’t see being a “black sheep” as rejection. They see it as power. It lets them feel special. They aren’t just bad or toxic—they’re different, rebellious, above the rules.
It excuses their behavior. → If they’re the “black sheep,” then of course they don’t play nice. It becomes a free pass for being an asshole.
It makes them the center of attention. → “I’m not like the rest of you.” They want people talking about them, reacting to them, engaging with them—even negatively.
It lets them avoid accountability. → “This is just who I am. Deal with it.” They turn their toxicity into a personality trait.

My brother and mother-in-law didn’t feel shame about being outsiders—they fed off it.

Because in their minds, it made them:
More interesting
More powerful
Less responsible for their actions

This makes perfect sense as far as my brother goes. He LOVES to stir the pot, get people talking, thrives on drama, and gossip, even if it’s about HIM. He’s been this way since he was kid. Always triangulating. Always manipulating.

For my mother in law, I think it became an excuse to assert her power and control over everyone. In her mind, being the black sheep made her special, and maybe a little above us all, making it easier to justify her incessantly controlling ways.

It also made it easy for her to look for excuses to hate someone. Every time a child or grandchild of hers brought home a new love interest, there was a 90% chance she was going to hate them. She sure hated me for years. Then she realized I wasn’t going anywhere soon and decided to call a truce.

The fact that the rest of the family made excuses for her control made things worse. “She means well” was a favorite excuse I heard over the years.

She didn’t “mean well” – she wanted to be in full charge. Always.

Her mother (and maybe her dad – I never met him since he passed before I was in the picture, so can’t say for sure) was likely the culprit that made her this way. One time my mother in law told me that her mom was a “difficult person.” I remember thinking “who are YOU to be calling anyone difficult??”

It’s almost comical when I think back on it, but in all honesty, It has been passed down in the family, right down to where I am now, and that’s writing a blog post about it. Her parents (and likely their parents too) passed it down to her, and she passed it down to her kids, and now I’m married, by extension, to the coercive control she passed along to her kid(s).

Who the REAL Black Sheep Are in Toxic Families

The real black sheep aren’t the toxic ones. The real black sheep are the ones who break cycles, see through the bullshit, and refuse to play the dysfunctional family games anymore.

And that means the real black sheep… is YOU.

You’re the one who doesn’t fit in—not because you’re toxic, but because you refuse to enable it anymore. You’re the one who stopped making excuses for their behavior, who finally saw the manipulation for what it was, and who decided that “family” doesn’t mean tolerating abuse, gaslighting, or guilt trips.

And for that, they call you the problem.

Why the Black Sheep Role is a Lie

In toxic families, there always has to be a scapegoat—someone to blame, someone to shame, someone to carry the weight of everything they refuse to face. When you were younger, you might have believed them when they said you were “too sensitive,” “too dramatic,” or “always causing problems.” You might have wondered why you couldn’t just get along like everyone else seemed to.

But here’s the truth: The reason you don’t fit in isn’t because something is wrong with you. It’s because something is wrong with them.

Healthy families don’t need a scapegoat. They don’t turn one person into the villain just to avoid accountability. They don’t punish the one who sees things clearly.

Toxic families do.

Breaking Free from the Dysfunction

When you step out of the role they’ve assigned you, the backlash comes fast. They’ll try to pull you back in with guilt—“But we’re family!” They’ll try to convince you you’re the one who changed—“You used to be different.” They might even try to rewrite history, twisting things so that they were never the problem—you were.

But remember: This isn’t about you betraying them. This is about you choosing yourself.

Walking away from toxic family dynamics doesn’t mean you don’t love them. It means you love yourself enough to stop letting them hurt you.

The Power of the Real Black Sheep

The black sheep of the family isn’t the disgrace they make you out to be. You’re the cycle-breaker. The truth-teller. The one who saw what they weren’t willing to see.

And that takes strength most people don’t have.

So if they call you difficult, ungrateful, or cold-hearted, let them. Let them label you whatever makes them sleep better at night. But know this: You are not the villain in their story. You are the one who finally walked away from it.

And that makes you free.

FAQ: Black Sheep and Toxic Families

What does it mean to be the black sheep of the family?
Being the black sheep means standing out in a toxic family, often because you refuse to tolerate dysfunction or play along with harmful dynamics.

Why do toxic families label someone as the black sheep?
Toxic families label the black sheep to deflect attention from their own behavior, making you the scapegoat for problems they refuse to face.

Is being the black sheep always a bad thing?
No, being the black sheep often means you’re the one who breaks cycles and sees through the dysfunction, which takes strength and clarity.

How can I embrace being the black sheep in my family?
Embrace your role by recognizing that you’re the truth-teller, the cycle-breaker, and the one choosing self-respect over toxic loyalty.

Can a non-toxic person be the black sheep?
Absolutely. Often, the real black sheep are the non-toxic individuals who refuse to play along with the family’s dysfunction.

Why do some toxic people take pride in being the black sheep?
They see it as a way to justify bad behavior and avoid accountability, turning their toxicity into a “rebel” identity.

What does it mean when you’re called the black sheep?
It often means you challenge the family’s toxic norms and choose a healthier, more authentic path, even if they reject it.

Can being the black sheep help you grow?
Yes! It can push you to develop boundaries, strengthen your sense of self, and ultimately break free from harmful patterns.

How do I handle being labeled the black sheep?
Own it! Understand that their labels are often a reflection of their dysfunction, not your worth or character.

Why is being the black sheep in a toxic family a sign of strength?
Choosing to step away from toxic patterns takes immense courage. It’s not weakness—it’s the strength to prioritize your well-being and truth.

Please follow and like us: